We can’t! Obviously! But one day he looked at me with all the guilt filled his eyes, “I am sorry,” he said.
“It’s okay, though I am not okay. I will handle this,” I told him with a bitter intonation. I didn’t remember to cry because I felt so stupid that I took everything so personally. How couldn’t I? We even sang songs together in the middle of our late night conversations, for three hours on the phone. And he said we were only friends? Oh come on!
“I didn’t mean you hurt you. I am sorry,” he looked at me sadly. As if he wasn’t aware that all the things he did were completely wrong. “I am truly sorry. I apologize,” He repeated.
“Stop saying sorry. Just remember one thing”.
“What is it?”
“Don’t ever you dare to fall in love with me”. I said.
“No! You can’t say that! We never know what will happen in the future”.
“You hurt my pride! I feel so stupid. I feel so, I don’t know,” I sighed.
I ignored him for one day long. It was so weird because we had been already sharing stories for months. We texted for hours every day with different random topics. Just one day not seeing his name on my phone, I felt something missing. I missed him. But I resisted asking how he was doing. Why should I? We were only friends.
Then in a morning, my phoned chimed.
Him: Let’s have some cups of coffee. This afternoon
Me: I can’t
Him: Tonight?
Me: I can’t
Him: Are you angry with me and keeping a distance?
Me: I am lying if I say no
He just read it. But then I felt a bit cruel. I replied his text after hours of staring at my phone,
Me: Okay, let’s do it. At the coffee shop at the traffic light intersection.
At the coffee shop, he sat in front of me with a super confused face.
“I am sorry,” This word triggered me to be very angry
“Why you can't stop saying sorry? Is it that bad thing to like me? Is it disgusting? I don’t even ask you to like me or whatever. I like you, but I demand nothing. And I don’t set my hope too high. Because I clearly know where my position is! I don’t even ask you to be my boyfriend! But you keep saying that we are only friends as if loving me is a sinful thing to do? In the first place, why you text me every day? Why you want to know all my family members and my friends? Why you ask what I eat, whom I meet and curious about my personal matters?
Do you know what he did next? Holding my hand. What a good sweet friend!
“Friends don’t hold each other’s hand like this,” I said.
After seconds, he realized and moved his hands. However, he continued looking at me in the eyes
“You know what? Friends don’t see each other like this,” I said again. He answered nothing then drank his water.
“Don’t you think that you’re already into me?”
Listening my questions, he was anxious.
“I love what we are,” his voice sounded so hopeless.
“You mean by we are being friends?
“I love us”.
“But?”
He answered nothing.
