Most of us spend the majority of our early years trying ‘to find themselves’. I have been running around in circles doing the same, balancing between what is expected of me and what I really want deep down. I’ve been trying to find some kind of purpose, trying to find what it is that defines me, I guess, to come up with some sort of image of myself, one that is portrayable to the world according to what is commonly considered as ‘normal’.
Until recently I came to the conclusion that maybe finding oneself isn’t even a good thing, that maybe setting this goal of having found yourself is like setting the goal of happiness, leading to you never finding it because you’re looking for it somewhere in the future which never exists, all that does is now.
If I compare myself today to the self I was 3, 5 or 10 years ago, we hardly have anything in common. We don’t have the same values, beliefs, interests, dreams, we don’t even like the same kind of music. In a biological sense all your cells renew within a timespan of seven years, so technically every seven years you will have a whole new body. Why would we stay the same mentally?
In regards to the definition most of us have of finding ourselves, I think it very much comes down to labels. We put ourselves in labelled boxes, telling ourselves we are a certain way and hence limiting ourselves and our full potential. Once you stop changing, you stop growing - it’s the very definition of stagnation. Personal growth is limitless, but in order to grow you need challenges and experiences.
I have challenged myself to no end over the past ten years. Not all experiences were pleasant, some were dark as f*** and when they happened I didn’t understand why, but looking back and seeing the full picture I am grateful for everything, because I wouldn’t be where I am today had it not been for one event leading to the next, gradually leading the way out from pitch black to being in a place where I’m loving my life.
As of now, I will stop trying to find myself. I am who I am right here in this moment, I will continue to change and it’s an amazing thing. I will continue to make illogical, insensible choices, because I want to. If I felt like moving to the middle of the Amazon tomorrow, I would find a way, whether people called me crazy or not. Change means movement and movement means life.
One thing I have learned is that although change can be super scary at first, you can get to a place where it’s exciting in a good way rather than intimidating. It’s all to do with your personal comfort zone. The more you push, the more your comfort zone expands. Think sports - a marathon runner has a much stronger heart than someone who rarely exercises - and you need to keep pushing continuously to keep it up.
Expanding my comfort zone has given me so much independence and faith in my intuition to the point where I feel that pretty much whatever life throws at me I’ll be able to handle it and find a way through. It’s like building a relationship with yourself, learning to trust yourself and it’s incredibly liberating. It gives you an inner sense of security so you don’t need to rely on the ‘fake security’ society provides for you which is essentially a cage. Instead you can follow your dreams knowing you’ll be alright. You can be free.
In the end, all we are is beautiful bubbles of consciousness floating around in this universe and we’re all here to grow. Some of the experiences necessary for growth are painful and don’t seem beneficial whilst we’re experiencing them, but they usually lead to something good.
What I’m trying to say is, as long as you are authentic and kind and you follow your intuition, you are yourself as much as you’ll ever be. Act like you would if nobody judged you (of course people will, but it’s their problem, not yours, it just means that they’re not being themselves! Kindness is natural, all unkind behaviour is determined by the buildup of frustration that comes with not living in tune with who you truly are.)
Let go of material values and don’t let peoples perception of you define you - nobody can see into your mind, but you!
I hope you enjoyed this post, I guess I just wanted to openly reflect a little and maybe it’ll inspire or help others along the way.
Also check out the blog on my personal website here: https://nomadrituals.wixsite.com/blog
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