And it's PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA to make this opening line appear URGENT AS WELL!
Now for some professional looking nonsense designed to soothe the reader while the writer, NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself introduces himself in third person, then goes on to talk about what he thinks you need to be interested in today, but doesn't actually say much.
Now back to more of this!
Have you heard about the LATEST THING?
The LATEST THING happened again, People, so today I'd like to tell you all about it like I usually do. There are no better sources and you heard it here first so before I even tell you what the LATEST THING is, I'll need you to hit that 'LIKE' button, leave a COMMENT about whatever, and SHARE this all over social media any chance you get. Because if it wasn't for you, I can't be me, plus do the things I do for you at the same time, for us.
On to the LATEST THING
This just in: Credible sources told me something today and I thought it was interesting enough to spin into something else so you people would think I'm being original.
I know what you like to hear and how you like to hear it because I've been at this same damn desk for the past ten years making observations — studying you people — then trying to use that knowledge to my advantage in order to pull you along a little better; maybe actually make something of my life someday.
I've always wanted to be a news reporter.
It all started back when I was child.
Dad? Can I play Nintendo? "No! I'm watching the news! You're supposed to be in bed!"
So I thought if I could just get on the news somehow and brainwash my dad to go to sleep and let me play Nintendo, all my wildest dreams would come true.
However, the first time my dad saw me on the news, he was not as impressed as I thought he'd be:
Never borrowed me the car again.
So I wasn't able to drive to university to get a PhD in journalism, didn't find out what is drugs, and ended up twirling signs on the sidewalk for businesses that would hire me but for some stupid reason wouldn't allow me to go inside, even though I brought a doctor's note specifically stating I'm allergic to sweating.
I lost all my swag inside of that overgrown purple teddy bear suit with pink streamers and a yellow bowtie.
After three years of investing my money in lottery tickets and dealing with expensive rashes, I finally saved up enough cash needed to activate the preapproved credit card someone sent me in the mail as a surprise offer I'm not allowed to refuse because it said I can't.
Maxed it out on a wicked gaming laptop the first day. It's an 09 and still works; as you can see.
I spent two years practicing the keyboard, learning my way around.
After getting really good at WASD I decided it was time to grow this empire and become a journalist like some of my favorite Youtube stars and the person I always wanted to be.
It wasn't always this easy.
Even though I know what most of these buttons do, the life of a journalist isn't always all hookers and blow.
One day while doing my research using McDonald's Wi-Fi, trying to discover all on my own the shape of the world, I had an epiphany.
The World is Flat!
Within hours my video had 17k views and all the blog posts I wrote which were linked in the description so other people could do their research in case they didn't trust me the first time; those were getting hits from all over the globe.
By the next day, they shut me down.
All because of that stupid typo in the headline. It was supposed to say, "The World is Fat!"
That defense didn't help me much though when it came time to appeal so I thought my career was over, especially after that massive group of people learned of my existence and tried to delete it.
I ended up spending the next three months sulking on Twitter every day before I decided to go back to my roots and work on those WASD keys again.
And if not for that steady stream of sad and depressing memes about sadness and depression on Facebook, I would have felt so alone, sad, and depressed.
But I'm not alone according to those memes!
Even though I led the charge attempting to boycott it in order to save humanity in front of my forty followers so they could see, I found myself back on Youtube trying to research how to get through to the next chapter of my new life I had set on expert:
This game is so hard.
But at least I found a way to get clean.
Luckily a suggested video popped up after I saw myself hitting rock bottom just to say, "Money," and it changed my life.
So here I am being a fulltime journalist again, like I always knew I should be, with ease. Don't even need viewers anymore as I can simply post on fifty different random platforms nobody really knows about and make money nobody really knows about in the form of crypto.
Genius.
Now for the news:
The world is ending and we're all going to die, except for me, and you folks, because we know better, since I said so, and you agree.
I'll be back tomorrow with more of the same. Stay tuned!
In the meantime, be sure to check out the LATEST THING:
Have a nice day.
