I'm not sure if I can rhyme the entire way.
It has been one hell of a long day.
So that's what I'll start with. Those are the things I needed to say.
Now I'm at the point of the post where I fear I don't know what I'm doing and you're probably wondering why you're here.
I can try to explain. Just give me a few moments here to gather my thoughts.
A few more seconds I should have them all collected. Then I'll sort through the pile and pick out the good ones. That might take about ten minutes.
Through the magic of television, it is now one hour later. I had spent most of that time forgetting what I was looking for and then trying to remember it.
The worst part about this current state of affairs is the fact I still don't have any material suitable for this post I'm attempting to publish. I feel like I've wasted a solid chunk of my life. I'll most likely regret this decision even though I don't really feel like I'm in control of my life right now.
And of course you're still stuck wondering why you're even bothering to read this.
Quite the predicament we're in.
I am the writer and you are the reader. I am to provide you with something to read and you are to read it.
This looks so damn easy on paper!
I need to calm down. Maybe I'll take a chill pill.
Okay.
That's better.
Those chewable vitamin C's are delish. I could go for another but that might lead to five and today doesn't seem like a good enough day to o.d. on you people.
"Another artist dies from an overdose."
That headline is old news. If I'm going to die, I want it to be something cool like a homemade rocket crash.
It pisses me off already though because they'll just say, "He died because he didn't wear a helmet."
No! I died because I was inside of homemade rocket that ended up slamming into the earth doing about mach 2.
That's pretty fast. You could put helmets all over your body and you're still going to die. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to die in a rocket crash so fuck fake news.
You don't even need a fancy calculator for that!
Some wood. A propane tank. A Bic lighter. That's it! That's all you'd need.
I'm actually pretty smart.
I've been thinking all day about how to prevent being infected with that nasty virus going around.
Some people on the internet already tried drinking the hand sanitizer. I love it when people take one for the team and die for a good cause like that. It could have been me but it's not because I googled first.
Huffing Lysol is what I think will work. The can says it kills 99.9% of everything and back when I did the math class thing in school I learned that's a pretty high number.
That's almost a thousand percent! I assume that other one percent stands for 'people' because you wouldn't want to sell something that instantly kills the customer since that's not how you ensure future sales.
You want these cans to "run out" and then the people just keep coming back for more. That's why you get free samples in the mail sometimes. The first hit is always free.
Anyway. The show must go on.
This is my first time attempting to protect myself by huffing Lysol so I think I'll just try a little bit like this...
Am in a forest!
Come mere a deer. Deer co mere deer.
Rigatone monster!
Big fucker!
Breakfast and a cardboard for the week again? The elephants musts says canoes.
Give back my shopping car!
Kadda be kadda boo kuddu be.
Kadda boo kudda ba. Kudda be kudda boo kadda ba kadda boo. Hoo kudda be? Kadda ba kadda be kadda ba kudda boo.
Hoo kadda ba:
- Kadda boo
- Kadda be
- Kadda ba
Hoo kudda be:
- Kudda boo
- Kudda be
- Kudda ba
Kadda boo kudda be kudda ba kadda boo, kudda ba kadda boo. Kadda be kadda ba kuddu boo, kadda be kudda ba kudda be kadda boo kuddu ba.
Hoo kudda boo?
Kadda ba kudda be:
Anyway
Back to what I was saying about bananas.
Feeling frisky? Today I'll teach you how to prepare a banana.
Do you like bananas?
I love bananas.
And now, I'll teach you how to love bananas!
Some people on this planet are sick of the same old shit day after day; I'm one of them.
I'm bored of crackers. It's been like that for a long time now. I've been yearning for something more exotic for many months and I think I finally found a way to please my innermost desirable beast.
I tried different things with watermelon.
I tried to be creative with pears.
I see some of these pictures on the internet of what people do with their fruits and snacks and wonder; why can't I do that?
They make it look so easy. I follow the directions, check with other sources and gather second, sometimes third opinions. I mix ideas together, but nothing I do ever feels right. Something is missing.
Enter, The Banana
Best thing that ever happened to me!
Most people think there's only one way to enjoy their banana.
The traditional approach of pulling back the peel and of course inserting the fruit into the mouth is good for some, I guess. That method doesn't really get me excited though. I know a better way.
Sometimes great ideas simply fall into the mind from above after things go wrong. Quick thinking. Ingenuity. Improvisation. That's how all good ideas get their start.
So I was down to my last banana after experimenting all day. My last chance.
Then
tragedy struck.
I tried to rip open the peel but this banana wrapper was defective. The tip bent then became soggy and flexible. The more I pulled, the worse it got. There was no way inside this banana, I thought, until I noticed a knife sitting on the counter.
That knife changed my life, forever.
The best way to prepare a banana:
- Cut one of the ends off with a knife.
- With a spoon, hollow out the inside, keep the peel intact.
- Place the scoops of fruit into a bowl, save for later.
Now you're ready to fuck your banana. Gently insert your penis into the hollowed out banana and slide it back and forth until climax.
Cleanup is a breeze and good for the environment at the same time.
Conclusion
#Showcase-Sunday time again! This time around I mixed in some old with a lot of new. Some new art, some new rambles, some old jokes, and the biggest shit-show you've ever seen!
Have a nice day.
