The woman sat down next to me on the bus. Almost immediately, I noticed something oozing from her box. It was urine, and I could smell it.
Apparently she had been delivering urine samples to the lab when her car broke down. Then to make matters worse, poor gal tripped and fell while running to the bus stop and fucked up her box.
She asked if I could help her and I said, "Probably not."
Unfortunately, this nice lady, her terrible day, and that leaky box of hers all followed me off the bus once it was my stop. Thing is, that wasn't my stop. The knitting festival was still half the city away. I just wanted to remove myself from the piss.
This is where it gets interesting.
After trying to walk faster than her for roughly one block, I came to terms with the fact I wouldn't be able to shake this woman without looking like a little bitch by running away in front of all the gangstas.
At first it was annoying but eventually I was offered a deal. Ten dollars and a half pack of smokes to fill those piss samplers back up and not tell anyone. Said she might lose her job over this mishap, but it was explained to me in the tone of voice that sounds like one could ask for more.
We agreed on twelve dollars, half a pack of smokes, and a red cigarette lighter that was nearly full. I needed one of those for sure and told her to give it to me upfront. A few flicks and that shit fired right up. That's how you know they're good.
Now we're walking along, sidewalk style, trying not to step in all the shit or get snagged on a tent. It was hard for me because I was drunk as fuck, trying to act sober for this lady that thinks she's paying me for clean piss, as I'm leading her to an alley I know about, where everyone goes.
Two people all screwed up on trank were standing guard there, hunched over and frozen in position, acting like a gate. Unresponsive, of course.
Was a bit unsure if I should knock or just walk but we managed to get right through there without even being asked for a smoke, so that was nice.
The Piss Lady is holding her box like that dork in school who didn't know how to carry his books the cool way. Pressed into her tits. Piss all over her nice white shirt.
She would've fit right in if it wasn't for those shoes going click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click as she walked along.
And the box appeared to be heavy, but I didn't care.
Finally, we're at the spot.
Had already grown accustomed to the smell of urine being around me so it was hard to tell if we reached the destination.
The stains up and down the walls were a dead giveaway though, and that was the first time I was ever happy to see them. Admired some of the designs for a moment. Saw one that looked just like Jesus.
The Piss Lady — whose name turned out to be, Rain, of all things — starts acting real sketchy as she's showing me what's in the box.
She'd been holding on tight to a leaking piss box, following a drunk stranger who didn't even shower through a homeless encampment to an alley to take a piss and I'm thinking: this is the first time she's nervous?
"These aren't piss samples! Are you trying to rip me off!"
She asked me to calm down but there was no fucking way I was going to calm down once I saw what was in the box.
I'm standing there feeling kind of dizzy, staring at about two dozen tied off condoms full of piss and it's all sloshing around as she's yelling, "I can explain!"
However, before she got a good chance to do that we both noticed two gentlemen emerge from a dumpster. Her shrieks must have alerted them and they clearly thought they were the authorities.
One starts flinging literal shit at me and the other tries to climb up then lunge at us like he's Randy Savage or some shit going for a flying elbow but he slips and falls flat on his face instead. The crack sound was an indication that must have sucked and I think even the ground felt it.
Now is our chance!
I grabbed one of those dank cum catchers and lobbed it in their general direction. Huge piss explosion! Then the stink.
Nobody expects a piss balloon so those two didn't know what the fuck to think.
Now they're both doused in piss. One's taking cover and the other is down, bleeding from the mouth with missing teeth as his jaw just hangs there, trying to pull himself out of the puddle with only his arms.
It was at that moment, they knew they fucked up, so that's when Rain and I seized the opportunity to get the hell out of there.
Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!
She's fast.
Got the box on her arm like she's running for a touchdown this time. Booking it.
Had a hard time keeping up with her. Then I stopped.
Thinking: "Why the fuck am I even doing this?"
Then I hear a thud. Rain's down. Piss everywhere.
"It's those damn shoes of yours!"
I thought about yelling at her more about those shoes but instead she looked up at me and I melted. Couldn't tell if those were tears or just piss. She needed help.
Fucksakes so there I am, hands inside my sleeves so I don't have to touch her as I'm helping her back up to her feet.
Within seconds she's already taking inventory, sorting through her box, and picking up what can be salvaged.
Normally this would be the part of the story where the man notices he's attracted to this hot mess.
"Rain!"
"You need to tell me what the fuck is going on right now, or I'm tapping out."
Instead, I fell in love with what she told me. She's a piss dealer.
Instantly became my dream job. Piss in condoms all day. Sell it off at a premium to athletes, cops, and all kinds of people who must piss in cups to pass tests. Way better than shoving cocaine condoms up my ass and sitting on a jet for eight hours, that's for sure.
Finally a new career path that works for me. Already connected. Can piss my dreams away and it's all good!
Her client was paying top dollar for this run. She's late and now offering me $200, full pack of smokes, plus I still had that lighter. For sure I'm in!
But we don't have much time.
There was a busy fast food place up and around the corner so I knew just what to do.
Next to it is a convenience store so I quickly asked for a payday loan and ran inside while Rain waited outside in the sun to dry off after slipping me the twenty.
Came out of there with two boxes of condoms. The giant ones so I could fit more and luckily they were on sale so I asked the woman behind the counter for her number. She must have been desperate for business in this economy because that's the fastest anyone has ever given me their digits. Normally they can't even remember.
Thinking: Right on. Now I got the hook up.
In business, it's always good to know where to get cheap supplies, but I knew I had no time to brag about it to Rain.
Quickly headed inside the restaurant and started kicking the urinals until the drain pipes broke. Installed four condoms under there then went out and ordered a burger and fries with the left over money I saved up from doing good business deals.
Had those rubbers hooked up faster than fast food.
Sat there and watched men going in and out of the toilets, pouring that easy money down the drain and straight into my future.
Half an hour is all it took. Slid on inside when the coast was clear, saw all those plump gold danglers hanging there and at that moment I knew I was a natural. Put my pants inside my socks, unhooked and tied everything off one by one, then down my pants they went and the lube did the rest. Felt cool and warm at the same time.
Then out the door. Piss heist complete. They didn't even know what hit them. Milked that fucker for everything they had and even took some napkins to help dry Rain.
But there's no sign of Rain.
And I forgot to get her number.
So there I am with four giant condoms worth of piss shoved down my pants and no place to go. Checked everywhere I could think of and couldn't find her. Even looked up to the sky and called out her name for a good fifteen minutes.
Nothing.
So, whatever. Meandered my way down to the bus stop thinking I could still catch the tail end of the big event provided the bus isn't late again this time. Sat down next to someone, piss bag broke, soaked everything including the coasters I made and planned to sell at the knitting festival for like two bucks each.
Those ladies love my merch and this thing only happens once every year.
Thinking: Now for sure nobody will want them.
Never in a million years could anyone predict a simple trip to the knitting festival could turn out to be so pissy.
Got that new lighter though. Still works.
