This Man is a sucker for a pretty face.
This Man vs Hot Stoner Chick
It was summer. This Man was living the dream, alone.
A man can only drink so many lonely beers before the beers turn into tears. This Man is far too cool to be sitting around crying about being out of beer though.
The beach, the lake. This Man grew up there. Heaven on Earth but even there, the missing piece of the puzzle was like an infected eyesore This Man simply could not stop picking.
Christopher McCandless said it best.
“Happiness only real when shared.”
Nobody deserves the feeling of an entire beach to themselves.
The Man Vibrator
When the pocket region trembles with good news.
This Man finally heard back in text form. The rattling was a shock, This Man nearly spilled the beer. Hot Stoner Chick had the day off and was on her way. Brilliant! It was the best idea This Man had ever heard.
Hot Stoner Chick didn't want to hang out on the beach though. She had other plans. This Man loves to go with the flow. It had been a few weeks since This Man was in the city and we both needed supplies anyway.
The Day
The drive to the city was to take roughly forty-five minutes. Time flies when you're having fun though, and she liked to speed.
First stop, more alcohol. Finding a beer store was easy. She told This Man not to worry about it and headed inside. This Man enjoyed the thought of a woman paying for drinks this time, until she walked out with some kind of iced tea/alcoholic drink in cans. This strange liquid was unnecessary. If you want This Man to vomit, simply force your finger into This Man's throat, then tickle.
It was barely noon, so This Man thought a nice light beer would be perfect for a hot day. Eighteen Corona Extra should suffice. Those go down like water. As a Canadian, This Man prefers to skip American brands. Those go down like piss.
Zing!
The Doctor's doorbell must have been broken, but the strange static-like sound was enough to get his attention.
This Man left Hot Stoner Chick in the driveway. These guys hate it when you bring over new patients without asking first.
Hot Stoner Chick wanted that bag. She had been needing that medicine for many days. Once This Man emerged from The Doctor's lair, Hot Stoner Chick's face lit up. She knew This Man only gets the best. She couldn't stop laughing at how the vehicle suddenly smelled like a grow-op when This Man sat down. When she saw exactly how far $240 can go when you don't do business with ripoff artists, This Man had to help push her eyeballs back into her head because Hot Stoner Chick needed those to be able to drive out of there.
"So now what?"
Hot Stoner Chick, if we get pulled over, we're fucked. Let's get out of town. Please, stop speeding. Be careful, there's a stop sign. Make sure you stop. You forgot to signal, don't forget to signal. Take this road, it's safer.
Safe and Sound
Now, we can relax.
Back roads all the way to the lake. This Man knows all the shortcuts. Hot Stoner Chick was impressed with the scenery. It didn't take long for plans to change. She stopped and decided this random location in the middle of nowhere was a perfect place to start.
This Man eagerly cracked a beer. It's safe here.
Hot Stoner Chick was busy packing a bowl. This Man noticed a hockey stick in the back seat. Hot Stoner Chick was also a Hot Chick Who Plays Hockey.
There was a sign there to warn travelers of a few bumps on the road. This Man decided it would make a good net. Every stone on that graveled back road was This Man's puck.
We made a game of it. The first to actually hit the sign by shooting a rock with the hockey stick, wins. She had the advantage. It was her stick. She shoots left handed. This Man uses a right handed stick. This Man still won. Just in time too. A vehicle was approaching. Time to get moving.
We both agreed, Hot Stoner Chick was already too messed up to be driving. She wasn't comfortable on gravel roads. This Man could tell because that was some of the worst driving This Man had ever witnessed.
It Was Getting Dark
We're still driving, aimlessly. Having so much fun just being messed up, enjoying music and hilarious conversation.
How it suddenly became so late still baffles This Man to this day. What a great time just hanging out, shooting the shit. She wanted to call it a night and This Man obliged. Any more of this irresponsible/fun behavior would most certainly overstimulate our senses and send us hurtling over a cliff.
This Man took a left. We're still in the middle of nowhere. Lost, but it's not hard to find your way out of a grid system of roads.
It was a dead end. This Man knew that. It wasn't hard to see the towering cattails and a marsh. Why she panicked still confuses This Man to this day.
Hot Stoner Chick, for some strange reason, thought This Man wasn't going to stop. She grabbed the shifter and slammed the vehicle into park. Who does that!
The wheels locked, on mud. The vehicle slid directly into a rut on the side of the road. We were stuck. She blamed This Man. This Man tried to push us out. Impossible. We were fucked.
About an hour goes by.
Hot Stoner Chick was busy on the phone the entire time, trying to get help.
This Man's cheap gas station flip phone meant to be used only in an emergency, was dead.
Suddenly, Hot Stoner Chick breathes out a sigh of relief, instead of more medicinal smoke. She has a plan and begins to lay it all on me. Check this out.
So, I got a hold of my boyfriend and he's on his way. You need to go hide in the bushes over there. He'll come and pull me out with his truck. When the coast is clear, I'll come back for you.
It was really hard, at this point, to stay calm.
Maybe she didn't know that This Man already knew about the boyfriend. This Man was being a gentleman all night instead of a drunken fool trying to pick up this chick, because This Man knew about that man. This Man thought we were friends, hanging out like friends do, the entire night, and acted accordingly.
So why must This Man hide? Hide in the middle of nowhere. There's no moon on this night. You don't leave a human out here in the wilderness, alone, at night, with no guarantee of ever being picked up. Surely The Boyfriend would understand. Why is This Man, your friend, a secret? There's nothing to be ashamed of.
This Man felt used and abused.
This Man didn't want her to be in trouble either.
The ominous glow of those headlights ever so slowly approaching meant there wasn't any more time to argue.
Fine! Whatever! Off This Man went. This Man had to hustle though. Running in the dark. Good times. Something was bothering This Man's foot. Don't you hate it when a foreign object gets stuck in your shoe? This Man took care of that and disappeared into the darkness.
Hiding in a ripening canola field is much like playing in the rose bushes. This Man found out the hard way. It's not as spiky, but still uncomfortable nonetheless.
The Boyfriend drove past. This Man watched them from a distance.
On this night, This Man realized what it must feel like to be a Sasquatch. Being there but nonexistent, all at the same time.
This Man watched them leave the area and the stuck vehicle behind. They stopped about a mile down the road and just sat there. That's when This Man realized, it wasn't a stone inside the shoe that bothered The Foot. That was the small bag of weed This Man hid there and totally forgot about.
This Man ran like the wind back to the vehicle. Using a Bic lighter for a light source, the bag was eventually saved from becoming just another statistic. Of course, now the vehicle with The Boyfriend is approaching and This Man is cornered.
Splash!
This Man loved those shoes.
How was This Man to know the water in that marsh was so deep.
Now This Man is soaking wet, making friends with angry ducks and curious muskrats.
The Boyfriend walks up and comes within ten feet of This Man. He's mumbling to himself. This Man can hear every word. He was not saying nice things about Hot Stoner Chick. This Man felt like jumping out and scaring the living shit out of The Boyfriend, because that would have been hilarious. This Man stayed quiet and watched instead. The Boyfriend left again, This Man made a run for it back to the friendly canola patch home away from home.
It took The Boyfriend and a group of his friends another hour to get the vehicle out. This Man watched the entire time. They all left. Three sets of taillights, all fading into dust.
It was now This Man's turn to go home.
Into the Wild
This Man might have been born at night, but it wasn't last night. Hot Stoner Chick told This Man to stay on this same road that stranded us. That made sense. This Man would be easier to find if Hot Stoner Chick knew where to look.
This Man walked many pointless miles and ended up backtracking quite a bit, on foot, because Hot Stoner Chick did not show up.
Walking in the darkness of night, in the middle of nowhere, wasn't scary. Not for someone like This Man. Maybe This Man couldn't see the road, but This Man could feel and hear it.
Those sounds in the bushes all around that resembled lions and tigers and bears... those were cows. This Man couldn't see them of course. A wild imagination in the wild is not taught in survival class. You become the monster, not the other way around.
The Walk of Shame
This Man walked for many hours. It lightly rained on and off for most of this journey. Yes, it was cold. This Man was still wearing beach clothes.
Only one set of headlights approached.
Here's some advice: Wear reflectors when you go out with Hot Stoner Chicks.
That truck almost hit This Man and just kept on going.
The Sun is rising. This Man is still walking. It was the most beautiful sunrise This Man had ever experienced.
So thirsty. The legs become tired and weak but still function. Stopping to rest would probably lead to cramping. Just keep going. It doesn't hurt. Mind over matter. This Man knows.
Finally, Home
First things first. Plug the phone in. Time to get to the bottom of this. This Man throws the first text. It's on.
Hey! Hot Stoner Chick! What the fuck! My beer are still in your vehicle. Can you bring those over later? Thanks!
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