This is going to be a long read and lots of stupidity. You have been warned.
When I was a middle schooler, We had to move away from a town I had spent my childhood in. I had lost all my friends. The life in the city was very different than in the countryside. People were outgoing, alot more "honest" in terms of complaining about their problems.
Because of my not-so-talkative nature, and my body refused to grow facial hair, making me appear younger than I was. Maybe that is why I was a target of bullies in the school bus. Maybe It was just my insecurity that I didn't talk to anyone.
I quickly became the "Outcast" of the class at my new school. Grades started to drop, no friends, no motivation to do anything. This state of Depression continued for 3 years.
This piece might describe what I was feeling.
Meanwhile, I asked my parents to get me a pet. They brought home a pair of budgies (I am smiling just thinking about them) . They were wild and they didn't like anyone around them. But with time and patience, they got used to me, and my family. Finally, felt like I've found a reason to keep on going. There was someone I was waiting to play and hangout with.
They had very unique personalities, one was dominant, and chirped a lot, the other was calm and just watched the world outside. It was beautiful, to watch them preen each other, and the little fights they had, and they made up sometime later.
One day, in the summer break, as usual we let the birds out for some time from their cage. But I let the ceiling fan running. The quieter one got hurt by the blades. She didn't survive the hit. Her partner, was in shock. She grabbed her lifeless body and started chirping wildly. I can't get that image out of my head.
Because what happened was my fault. I was careless. We gave her a proper burial, my mother was genuinely crying. I had never seen her do that. I don't even remember what happened after until one week. I probably spent my time crying in my room.
And for some reason I thought it's best to get a new home for this birdy here, I thought it's not good for her to be alone.
Another shitty decision. We left her at the breeder we got the birds from. And I realized this was a very bad idea, and decided to get her back the next day.
And the breeder had "sold" her to someone, and they didn't get have the "buyer"'s contact information. Try making decisions so bad, i bet you, you can't.
For sometime, I begged "God" that please keep her happy and safe, oh the irony. I was an atheist, but if there was a god... only if. I guess for reasons like this, we created the idea of a God. To comfort ourselves, to free ourselves of this grief. (I am not trying to preach, I still am an atheist, agnostic might be the correct word)
I made some very serious mistakes, but I can't do anything about them now except that I learn from them.
And what I've decided to do is to do my best to save lives, in my own way. I might or might not be able to. But I'll try, that's the best we can do; try harder and harder.
For anyone who is curious, I am an aspiring Computer Scientist.
