I adore my country, South Africa, but can take the truth like a kick in the nuts.. If you are going to die here, you might well succumb to our crime rate. Look it up on the internet, if you need to. But our crime rate pales into insignificance if you dare venture onto our roads! I'm a badass, so I do. (Okay, I have to, I live here!)
This first rule of the roads in South Africa is that there are no rules. (I can get even cheesier than that, watch my tail lights!) Unless you buy your drivers licence in South Africa, a valid option, there is a kind of informal ceremony where you toss that "Get your Learners Easily" onto the braai (barbeque if you must) fire, rub your hand and grin. You are ready, steady GO!
I have just begun to teach my daughter AND her boyfriend how to drive. Being the sucker for punishment that I am. We live in a large country with widely spaced towns, and almost no government public transport (see how I cleverly inserted the word "government" there, more on that later...). A license is ESSENTIAL for job prospects, and I'm not planning on supporting two delinquents! And God forbid, progeny!
We do, however, have a fantastic private sector transport provider. Minibus taxis! Rival gangs operate their fleets of taxis, engaging in all out warfare if their chosen routes are under threat, with the passengers still in the taxis! Death might happen, never boredom. Minibus taxis are the preferred, and often only, method of transport for those commuting from previous "black areas", a remnant from the Apartheid era, which are actually still "black areas". Large chunks of theses commuters (which include ALL my staff) incomes are spent on transport costs. There are bus routes. The bus companies, often government subsidised, are ready targets for attack, with bus depots and buses regularly being burnt down.
Taxis extend their lawlessness to the roads. There is NO section of road where stopping to pick up passengers is taboo. I think there is a kind of taxi credit system for the most outrageous passenger pick-up/drop of points. Personally I believe that their lawlessness has influenced us ALL in this country.
Nobody stops at an orange (amber) robot (traffic light). If you do you are a "doos" (Afrikaans swear word for "pussy"). Doesn't everybody know that there are at least 3 seconds after the robot turns red, before the robot for the other side's traffic turns green? Those are 3 seconds that should be utilised. Time management people! A four way stop should be approached in the following manner: If you are a woman, flirt. Make googly eyes and you can go first. If you are as ugly as fuck, look threatening, and that works just as well. When robots are out of order, and the rules of a four way stop come into play, this advice is particularly important. Survival of the fittest, fastest and meanest. (Or cutest.)
Since road markings (solid or broken lines, etc) are just for decoration. People die. A lot. Our neighbour's wife died in a head-on collision. But he is married again, so no real harm done. My sisters best friend's family, including the friend, were wiped out en route to a family holiday. Okay, so that was traumatic.
We don't have speed limits. If you do get pulled over for an infraction, you only need to pay in Kentucky Fried Chicken and Fanta. (For the most part, so don't blame me if things go wrong, hey.) People die, it keeps the population down. Our road fatalities are up there with our crime rate. A customer asked me in the shop if my husband still traveled to auctions so regularly? He, the customer, and all round general asshole, said that statistics were not in my husband's favour. I know that. Okay. Reiterate, asshole.
We have potholes that can house entire planetary systems, never mind ecosystems. We have a kind of road rage that caused one of my customers to be beaten to death with a cricket bat in our small town. We have the kind of road rage that makes you swear off road rage forever, or risk dying in a cricket bat induced bloody heap. I'm chill, hey, so chill! One of my staff members lost two boyfriends, each one the father of one of her children, in separate taxi accidents. One decapitated.
(all images: pixabay)
South Africa is not boring. South Africa is not for sissies. It is great to be alive in South Africa, we have the warmest, most life giving sun, I can feel it firing up my cells. We do not have to rely on lions for transport. The only zebras on our roads are zebra crossings. It is great every day not to die.
