I feel somewhat out of sorts. I am thinking about death a lot and I'm sure it's normal since I'm like 100 years old now, but who knows? Just being honest. Lately I feel that sinking, familiar feeling of desired invisibility creeping back into my moods. The other day I was trying to figure out how to delete my steemit account. I am fine saying that to you. It had nothing to do with the price of steem. I just feel too noticed sometimes. Can you even delete a steemit account? I know everything stays here forever, but just curious.
I have a job again now and I do really strange things sometimes. I perform tasks for companies that I can't name here. But I do things like speak phrases into my microphone and I rate the visual appeal of certain sites in comparison to others.
I have to decide sometimes if websites should be labeled as "adult" or "not adult." Anyone who did a website history search of my hard drive would think I'm some kind of freak or something. It doesn't pay alot but money is money and I get to still be able to work at home. Winning is winning sometimes even when it feels like you're losing. I hate porn. Just throwing that out there. A job is a job is a job is a job. Don't judge me.
A car almost crashed into me today. Deathly thoughts again. It made me ponder about my mortality. If I died today you'd never know it. You would't know. I could be dead right now and you'd not know it. Because the blockchain wouldn't tell you. Maybe 
I always wonder if anyone will listen to my music after I die. Back when I was struggling with suicidal tendencies I became very much in the habit of searching for songs by musicians who had committed suicide themselves or died tragically. It's how I discovered Elliott Smith (stabbed in the chest), Joy Division (Ian Curtis..hung himself in his kitchen), Sylvia Plath (head in oven).. Ernest Hemingway (shot himself.)
I know other people do that, too, because whenever I do a search for them there are always sites that list questions from other people asking the same thing.
After I discovered Elliott Smith I became a bit obsessed. I felt like I knew him. I would talk to him sometimes as if his spirit could hear me. I wonder if that's a thing. I'm pretty sure it is.
And I used to watch this one specific video of "Between the Bars" over and over again, I am still so very much in love with it. I even covered it. Here's me covering it. I can't watch this video anymore because it has my very darling cat, Jasper, in it. She's trying to get my attention while I play. She was my first child, so to speak. She mean the whole world to me. She died almost making it to 18 years old. So, yeah. I miss her too much to see her on video. I'm sure some of you get that.
This was in 2009 or 2010. The date on youtube says 2017 but that's just when I re-uploaded it after accidentally deleting my first youtube account, which I had had since YouTube was first invented basically. I lost all my followers, and you probably won't believe me but there were many thousands of them. I was so so so angry when I lost it all. Some videos I could never get back like the one I worked so hard on for "Not Dead Yet." That video was cool.
Here's the original "Between the Bars" by Elliott Smith.
Well I was going to say a lot more but I have to get back to work. Much love to all of you. Thanks to anyone who's been watching my little videos lately and to those who listened to me on the radio shows I've done. (3 now!) It means a lot to me when anybody pays attention to me, even though I really don't like being watched. That is the weirdness that is Serena. What is life? You tell me. I've got not clue.