What am I taking back, exactly? Two things...
- My life
- My body
About my life...
Over the past 10 yrs I have had more downs than ups and for a while, it became harder and harder to crawl out of whatever emotional hole I had dug myself into. I used to go out more, looks for fun things to do, and I wasn't completely terrified to meet new people. I have always been more on the shy side, but these days it take much longer for me to become comfortable around new people.
My #1 goal is to be more active with my children. Even with the social anxiety, I am not the girl I used to be. I have no interests in going out to clubs and sleeping different people every weekend. (I wasn't that bad, but you get my point) I still prefer spending hours PC gaming, reading/writing, or doing my crafts. I am not a nature person and I am not into sports. Just hanging out with friends at home or going out to eat, maybe a movie, is enough for me. My kids, however, need more. I want to take them places and find things that are fun and will get them out of the house more. Also, I know that the struggle with my condition only makes it harder to work with my sons Autism. I don't want him to struggle and fall behind, because I wasn't able to help him in every way I can.
I have many books that I plan to read to help throughout this process:
I hate you, Dont leave me
Borederline Personality: True Stories of Recovery
The Borederline Personality Survival Guide
The Survival Guide for Kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders And Their Parents
About my body...
There were many physical repercussions over the years. During those years, I did not take care of myself at all. I can deal with the scars. Most of them are faded and others are a bitter sweet reminder. The major consequences that affect me the most are my weight and my smile. I finally made that dreaded trip to the dentist earlier this year. Discovering just how bad the damage was hurt, but I moved forward and began taking steps to fix it. Unfortunately, much of the damage could not be repaired. I spent 2 months of back to back weekly appointments (I hated Thursdays) getting filling done on ever salvageable tooth. The finale consisted of having 7 teeth removed and partial dentures had been made. Even with all the work done, I was told I am looking at full dentures by the age of 45.
Now, I am ready to tackle my weight. Even when I was younger, I was always thicker and heavy up to, but this is unbareable. After my first child, my weight just continued to rise and I hated myself more and more. My highest weight was 330 lbs. That is when I was taking medication for depression and literally felt like I could not stop eating. I had gained 30 lbs in about 3 months and decided to stop taking those meds. I have not been on medication since. That was about 2 years ago. Now I am at 296 lbs. I really want to get back below 200. I know it will be a long process, but I also know that it will be worth it. I will feel so much better mentally and physically. I have never desired to be super thin. I liked my curves and now, I just want to go back to feeling comfortable with my body.
After putting it off for months, I joined a gym! I have a treadmill at home, but I want access to weight machines so that I can tone as well. I will be trying to eat healthier and cook more at home. Hopefully, this will help my children change their eating habits as well. They are very picky.
Here we go...
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