I have always been a people pleaser and it has never served me well.
Learning to say "NO" has been one of my biggest challenges the past couple of weeks, but in doing so I feel so much lighter..
I have a mentor and she has brought to light, that in fact people pleasing is extremely dangerous and destructive to oneself...
I have always just said yes, often to things I dont want to do (like a birthday party where I know im going to have loads of anxiety at the mere thought of going and stressing about it for days in advance) BUT I still say yes? Why did I do that? I would make myself sick with worry when I should have just stayed true to myself in all my affairs and do only what I am comfortable with.
I figured out, after giving it alot of reflection and it all boils down to fear, rejection and wanting to be accepted. Sounds paradoxical looking at it on my screen, but it makes so much sense to me right now.
I need to be honest in my life and stay true to myself... yet when I people please im being dishonest to myself and to the other person, so I have started to just say no and politely decline. I feel so much better, my anxiety has halved, I have more time for myself and I do exactly what I want to do and not what others expect of me. Learning to say no, doesnt mean im rude, it simply means im being boundaried and doing what I know is good for me and my soul. Alot of the time I would land up running around doing what I dont want to be doing, saying yes (thinking im being nice) and actually secretly becoming resentful. Always running around for other people, saying yes to every coffee date, quitting my plans to make room for other people and to listen to their problems had only left me feel emotionally drained and utterly exhausted..also I would never get what I needed to get done because I was always busy with other peoples stuff.... and then I would feel useless.. so looking at it from this angle I started to realise people pleasing, for me, is such a destructive, vicious cycle.
People who know me to be a people pleaser are obviously not so thrilled about this idea, they actually just dont understand..Now that I am working on myself and becoming more healthy in a sense, people dont understand it and actually think im being rude. As my mentor says, "That is there stuff." She is so right. I can only look after myself, I know I sound selfish, but I have to be... who else is going to look after me.
By becoming the best and healthiest version of myself I will attract the right people in my life. Some people will embrace the change, others will not and thats ok.. people come and people go, thats life.
I have battled with addiction and alcoholism for ten years, I do not want to go back there... I also do not want to hold onto my character defects especially people pleasing which keeps me sick in a way... it has got me in a lot of trouble in the past. Becoming healthier, as difficult and uncomortable as it may be in the beginning, always makes sense later on, when I can feel the change and see the change, I can be proud and see how far I have come and eventually question why I ever lived like that previously..
I hope you enjoyed reading this.
Perhaps, someone can relate and hopefully reading this helps.
Love, P