Growing up mentally so fast when I only was 4 years old took everything fun about childhood. After changing my name and finishing kindergarten, the days for elementary schools begin.
To read the first part ---> here
Before the first year in elementary school start, I took important decisions that I considered at the time a way to move on from my experience in kindergarten. I gave up on the idea of approaching kids and creating friendship because it only ends up hurting me more. I also decide to focus on my studies and making my mom feel proud of me. A kid like me was able to take such decisions to protect herself from being in pain again.
When I attended the first year, my plans put onto process; I focused on my studies and didn’t socialize a lot with kids. My twin brother was with me in the same class; we used to sit down next to each other. My brother existence there was more than enough for me. His friends were my friends. They used to look for me when my brother gets into troubles with other kids. You get surprised how much strong I was and the aura that I had was good enough to protect my brother from bad kids. Imagine, I was capable of protecting my brother, but in kindergarten, I wasn’t able of protecting myself. With years going by, this aura starts to vanish little by little.
When I become in the third year of elementary school, I was barely noticed by my classmate. Every class had a 40 student, all my teachers know me for my academic success. While kids, studies was the last thing to think of at the time. I remember one time when boys were fighting I get hit by accident with a rock. Yes a rock, and it gets right away in my stomach; it hurt so much to the point that I cried right away but no one did anything about it. The bill rings and I had to pull myself up together to go to my class.
In the fourth class everything I experienced in kindergarten starts to show up again. It was a new year with new students that I have never known before. I was in a good terms with boys and they trust me in everything and respects me and it’s all thanks to my brother. he was the reason for me having some what a piece from friendship concept. At least I was recognized from them at the time. Now where was the problem then? Girls. Yes girls, I was one of them, a girl that doesn’t know what actually a girl means. I used to play all the time with my twin brother, hide and seek, guns fight, wrestling and anything boys could do including soccer. I was far away from the definition of a girl. One time there was a new neighbor in the neighborhood, and they had a girl so they invited me to go to their house and play with their daughter. At that day when I entered the girl room, everything was pink including the wall. I get shocked and ran away from there. I told my mom about it and she explained that it’s a normal stuff for a girl to have. At that moment I realize that I am actually a girl and I should know what girls do. From that day, the new try to discover girls world begin.
As I said new girls in the fourth years were in my class and I had a decision that I will try to approach girls and know more about them. I start approaching one-on-one conversation and it works. I was happy for my accomplishment. But the next day, the girls cut everything between us and never come near me again. It happened with every girl that I approached, and it starts to give me a weird sense. Then I decide to approach the girls from a distance and I really got to a good conclusion at the time. All the girls were surrounding one girl's group in the class. one day when the whole class was sharing food together, I tried to approach one of the girls but I noticed one of the girls from that group took her away from me.
Here where the pain opened again. This group of girls were consist of 5 individuals. You will find it weird to know that four of them had the same name which is Dania. The four weren’t related but coincidentally shares the same name. Among the four of them, the leader located where her family is from a good stander financially and she had some kind of power in school. Now the fifth member of that group called Rania. Notice that even this girl name is so similar to the others. They used to follow me around; they get me in troubles with other girls and enjoys seeing me fighting orally with their nonsense they throw at me. One of their stuff that they do to me, is blaming me for hurting and pushing one of their girls in the group. They would grab me so hard and yells at my face with nonsense without even asking for a solution. They would be like “why did you push Diana in the playground????” I would be like “who cares why, is she okay? and how did I even reached there when I was just getting out of the class? blaming me just out of the blue.”
My personality starts weakening day after day. The leader of that group one day approach me and said “oh Qamar lets go play in the center garden of the school” and i was happy to see her interacting nicely to me just like the other classmate. But I was to nice to expect anything bad from her. That garden was prohibit from students, but she said that the principle allowed her to enter so we all believe her, even the boys joined us. We entered and suddenly the principle came in with an angry face. My brother group sneak out right away whiles girls including me couldn’t do a thing but standing there waiting the principle reaction. The principle, in which she was a women, out us in line and start slapping every girls in her face. When I get slapped, yes it hurts but i didn’t cried, but while I was turning the other way i saw the girls leader called Diana smiling so evilly in my face. I knew at that moment that all that ridiculous acting was only one of here plans she normally do to me. I was sad that everyone had to go through this just because of me and them.
Also, one of the days, girls from other class came in to fight with me. They thought I was a part of Dania group for some reason. I knew right away that it was another ridiculous plans of her to hurt me in any way. Those girls even brought boys with them, and before they put their hands on me without warning, my brother group showed up. They catch the boys and beat them so bad and threatens the girls from approaching our class again. I was thankful to them at the time. Diana's face wasn’t happy with what happened and I confirmed my thoughts about this incident.
The problem was that I never tried to defend myself. I used to keep being quiet and listen to that nonsense. I used to be like that since the beginning because I never talked long stenches before. My actions were described with words or signs that I used to indicate for my needs. I was quieter than you can imagine. The only thing is that I never told my mom about those incidents since I knew from my first experience it wouldn’t benefit me in anything at all.
Days kept being like this until I reached grade five. There was a new twist that never imagine it could happen to me after giving up for the second time about approaching people and making friendships.
TO BE CONTINUE…
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