Are you angry at somebody? How about a certain situation or even an institution or ideology? Our collective conditioning sometimes tells that we should not be angry and that anger is bad.
But anger can be a healthy and authentic expression of what is going on for you in the moment. It’s in indication that you are in touch with one of your fundamental emotions. Healthy forms of anger include the kind of anger that motivates you to stand up for yourself, for someone else, or for what you believe in. Conversely, stuffing or denying anger is not healthy.
We have all seen demonstrations of unhealthy forms of anger (seems like these days there is no shortage of that). Today’s Mid-Month Mini is about moving past anger and preventing it from becoming what I consider to be the number one killer of relationships - RESENTMENT!
Anger Versus Resentment
Anger let’s us know a “button” has been pushed. But what then? Are you someone who can express you anger in a grounded, non-violent, respectful way, let it go, and then go on about your day?
If not, you are likely someone who is prone to get caught in the ever so enticing trap of self-righteous resentment. The definition of resentment that makes the most sense to me is a re-feeling or reliving (in your head) the thing that made you angry in the first place. It can go on for days, months, or years!
When anger progresses to resentment you have reached a point where a simple decision needs to be made - investigate or ignore. If you chose heal for a resentment you have today, then let’s get to work.
Want to avoid anger turning into self-righteous resentment? Then do the opposite - explore your part with a letter of apology.
Why A Letter Of Apology?
There are many good reasons to take the time to write this letter.
First, to see things from the other person's perspective and acquire some empathy (almost impossible to do when you’re entrenched in self-righteous anger or resentment).
Second, we get to see how actions impacted others which is key to escaping the pain of selfish and self-centered pain.
Third, it allows us to set aside the long, repeating list of things they did “wrong” which helps avoid resentment.
The last and most important benefit is that this letter (whether you chose to share it or not) can provide a strong medicinal dose of humility and personal responsibility and completely shift your attitude towards the person and the situation.
Finally, it’s important to actually write the letter not just think about these things. It’s about action and intention. The physical act of writing it out makes a world of difference.
Ready To Give It A Try?
Here’s how to get started. Begin with an objective retelling of the incident or issue (only your part - nothing about what they did or said).
Explain the motivation: where were you selfish, fearful, or dishonest? Did you only consider the your feelings and not theirs? Are you guilty of doing the same thing you say they are doing?
Talk about how your actions must have affected them or what you have learned about yourself through this process. You may want to invite them to offer solutions or ways the relationship could be healed.
Watch out for being too self deprecating and feeding a negative self talk. Also, be careful to not write some version of: “I’m sorry you made me do that” or “I’m sorry for ________ ,BUT…” or the unconscious desire to make backhanded jabs.
This is not about relieving yourself of guilt or positioning yourself to receive an apology from them. Expectations can kill this whole exercise. Even if it was 95% them being “bad” and you only own 5%, this is about owning your part. It’s about freedom and healing.
The Challenge
Write a Letter of apology to someone with whom you are angry.
Read it to the person, or if you’re not ready for that, read it to a trusted friend or stick it in drawer to reflect on later.
We want to hear from you! Did you take the challenge? How did it go? Was there healing and did you get some relief from anger and resentment. Let us know in the comments below!
We shared our experience with this challenge in a podcast. You can check that out here: http://www.postcardsfrombeyondyourcomfortzone.com/podcast.html