Today is going to be a more personal blog, which is a little weird for me but I'm gonna do it anyway. So this is me. I model for Ladies of Metal and a few alternative clothing lines. I have loads of fun meeting new people in the industry and just hanging out at photoshoots with my best friends. I love trying new things in photographs and making art with my body. But it wasn't always like this.
I vividly remember the first time I felt "fat." I was probably around nine or ten and was getting ready to go to the local swimming pool. I got into my swimsuit and for some reason looked down at my chubby little kid stomach and found it unacceptable. Not knowing how weight-loss really worked, I quickly dropped to the floor and did a few sit ups, thinking that would take care of my problem. Fast forward five years, and I was restricting my calorie intake to ridiculously low levels. I would take my lunch that my stepmom packed for me to school every day, eat a couple bites to curb my hunger pains, and throw the rest away. It was getting really bad there for a while. I don't know why, but I just felt unacceptably huge even when I was 90 lbs. I started having fainting spells where my vision would go spotty then completely black, and I would lose my balance and fall over. One time I hit the corner of my dresser and had a giant softball-sized bruise on the side of my thigh for weeks. My dad realized what was going on and bought me those Ensure nutrition drinks and watched me drink them there for a while. It sucked. Classmates were starting to notice how skinny I was getting. I distinctly remember sitting in history class on a Monday after a weekend of not eating and someone leaned over and asked me if I was sick because I was getting so skinny. I took it as a compliment, and I'm just now realizing that as I'm writing this. I feel like I'm writing about a completely different person compared to who I am now.
Anyway after I graduated, my best friend at the time and her family decided to take me along on a Caribbean cruise for a combined graduation celebration for her and me. I was so stressed about hiding my eating habits, or lack thereof, from everyone for an entire week. I worried for weeks beforehand. And I know you might be expecting me to tell you it was some romanticized, beautiful self-revelation that snapped me out of starving myself, but it wasn't. It was the all-you-can-eat buffet on the cruise ship. I know that sounds hilarious and comical because it is, but I'm not kidding. I remember walking up to the buffet and seeing all types of delicious foods that I had never even seen before. There was basically any type of food you could imagine. It was absolute insanity. I thought, Man, I really wish I could try all this. And then I thought, Wait, why can't I? I realized I was standing the only person standing in my way of having a great time on this trip and trying all these amazing foods and celebrating that I get to see all these beautiful places. After those few quick moments of indecision, I marched my 90 lb ass over to the buffet and piled my plate as high as I could and ate until I was full for the first time in a really long time. It was glorious. I will never forget it. And I even went back to our room that night and ordered cheesecake from room service.
I still struggled after the trip of course, but that was definitely the turning point for me. I started putting weight back on, which was definitely hard. I eventually stopped myself from using a scale because every time I did, I would feel guilty as I saw the numbers creep toward 100. 105. 110. Years later, I still don't have a scale in my house, and I don't want one. But the other day at a friend's house, I felt brave and decided to use a scale for the first time in years. I saw 121 lbs and braced myself for the overwhelming wave of guilt, but it didn't come. And I guess that's why I was so inspired to write this post.
That day made me realize I'm better now, and that I made it. Of course there are days when I wake up and feel unconfident, but everyone has days like that. I'm no longer starving myself. In fact, I love food and love cooking. I even live-stream myself cooking all kinds of healthy vegetarian meals and no-so-healthy pastries and sweets. I feel great. I look at myself in the mirror, and I don't feel like withering away anymore. My friends even laugh and joke that I eat more than anyone else they know. I don't hate my thighs anymore because they carry me around. I don't hate my stomach anymore because it holds my internal organs. I don't hate my arms because they can hug the people I love. I don't hate my chubby cheeks because they are a part of my smile. It's pretty cool being okay with the way you look.
Eating disorders aren't fun. It bothers me that they're often romanticized and seen as something tragically beautiful. They are not. They kill people. At any given moment, 20 million women and 10 million men are suffering from eating disorders in the United States alone. If you're struggling, hang in there. You can do it. You are worth more than numbers on a scale.
