My grandfather died from cancer on April 11, 2016. Since he passed, I've been coping by not thinking about it. I push it to the back of my mind so well that often, I forget he is gone. Sometimes I even expect him and my grandma to come bustling into my apartment for a surprise visit. I hadn't thought about it in a while until yesterday when 
A couple days before I got the text that he was gone, I had applied for a Twitch partnership. For those of you who don't know, I have been streaming games and art on Twitch for almost two years now. It's what I love doing, and it has changed my life. At the beginning of last year, I ended up making enough to quit my day job and fully throw myself into making this my career. I streamed six days a week for up to ten hours a day sometimes. It paid off because I was slowly getting the numbers I needed to be eligible for a partnership with the website. Getting partnered is every Twitch streamer's ultimate dream. Out of the millions of broadcasters on Twitch, roughly 11,000 are partnered. If I sealed the deal, I would have a regular monthly income that I could rely on and countless other major benefits. It was a huge deal and would make all my hard work feel validated. I had been applying regularly for months and kept getting turned down because my numbers weren't high enough. It was a bit disheartening, but I kept on chugging. It usually takes five to seven business days for Twitch to respond to your application so I was in the process of waiting when I got the text that he was gone. I didn't cry. I didn't fall apart. I was just shocked. I checked on my grandma later that day to make sure she was going to be alright and then went about my day. I still feel guilty about my lack of reaction, but I'm learning that I deal with grief by just ignoring it. I think I actually inherited that from him. I kept grinding on Twitch. I fired up my stream that evening ready to go. I needed something to get my mind off of what had happened and just pretended nothing was wrong. That evening my moderators and I saw a Twitch staff member in my channel. I was being reviewed. This was a huge deal because I had never made it to the stage in the application process where I had a staff member review my live stream before. I went about my routine as usual and he left without a word.
I anxiously checked my email that night and all day the next morning. Nothing. I was starting to prepare myself for yet another rejection. The next evening, I started up my stream again and began working on a painting to giveaway to my viewers. Part way through the evening I absentmindedly clicked on my email tab just in case and there it was. An email with the title [Twitch] Your Application Has Been Accepted! My stomach did about thirty seven back flips as I tried to comprehend what I had just read. My chat was freaking out because I didn't say anything for a good while. I just cried. I was crying because all my hard work over the past year and a half had finally paid off, I was crying because of the bittersweet timing, and I was crying because I realized I would never be able to tell him I did it. A dam broke, and I just let it all out. It was the first time I let myself cry since I found out he passed. I was caught between celebrating and mourning and it was one of the most emotionally confusing moments of my life.
I laid in bed that night with a lot to think about. I believe in coincidences, of course, but this was really wild. That entire week was an emotional roller coaster. It was extremely overwhelming, and I never want to have to deal with that much emotion again.
Time heals all wounds. It gets easier to think about him as time passes, though I still miss him all the time. If there is an afterlife, I hope he's proud of me. I'm proud of myself and how far I've come. Thanks for taking the time to check out my post. I know it's a long read. Anyways, have a great weekend everyone. See you tomorrow!