A LIFE ALONE:
I lost my precious wife 2014 at a specialist hospice when she was just 30 years old and I, 36. Loveth and I met around my office complex through a mutual friend and soon fell into happy routines we thought would carry us into old age.
We were married for only 3 years but had the best time of our lives. She took in and was carrying our supposed first child when she develop this ailment into her seventh month and later died.
The first month after she died, I would burst into tears in the car when reflecting on Loveth's death or on the future we would unexpectedly not share. I felt so utterly alone, it was almost eerie after being a partner for couple of years. I could not believe I’d never see her auburn hair or hear her hearty laugh again.
I returned to work as a government official after being off for one week. I was anxious about not getting behind. I also thought a return to my daily routine and normal interactions with colleagues would help. At work, I could dive into many analysis and not think of my loss for a bit, and I greatly appreciated hearing words of encouragement from friends and colleagues at the agency where I had worked for 15 years.
But I missed having a partner to discuss the events of the day. The empty house was so silent, more spooky than peaceful. Where was the person I came home to every day for more than three decades? I was slow to adjust to the empty chair at the kitchen table where Loveth had joined me for thousands of meals.
Adjusting to live without someone who has been a major part of your life isn’t easy but here’s how I got through the rest of this past year as I reinvented myself without my spouse. hope what I share can help other widow&widower like myself find that peace you seek.
In my case, I had a difficult time adjusting to life without my late wife and didn’t handle it as well as I could have. Even though I did some things right, the biggest mistake I made was jumping into serious relationship thinking it would heal my heart and solve many of the issues I was working through. Instead it caused more problems than it solved.
Based on what I learned from that first year alone, here are four things I suggest other widowers do that can help make the adjustment easier and help find that inner peace any widowed could seek.
*Keep busy. Nothing is worse for the recently widowed than sitting around with nothing to do or watching endless amounts of TV. Dive into a hobby or that can keep you focused and busy when you might otherwise find yourself alone with time on your hands. I found solace in blogging and gutting and rebuilding a home. It kept me busy and distracted during the first few months after her passing. I might have gone crazy if I didn’t have those two activities to fall back on.
*Give your life some structure. Our lives generally fall into a series of routines. When we lose a spouse many of routines are disrupted and destroyed. Getting back into a routine gives life the structure that helps keep us sane and focused. One of the best things that happened in the months following the LW’s death was that our two best friends invited me over every Wednesday night for dinner. This went on for 6-8 months. Having dinner with them was the highlight of my week. It gave me something to look forward to. So find friends to hang out with or other activities that you enjoy that can put some basic routines back in your life.
*Find ways to help and serve others. Many people are going through unemployment, divorce, financial problems, and many other things. Whether it was mowing a neighbor’s lawn, helping someone move, or volunteering with a church all helped me forget my own problems and helped me feel connected to the community. Though you may not think their trials are same level as losing a spouse, forgetting about yourself and helping others is a great way to keep yourself grounded and realize that despite your own trials and difficulties, you still have many things to be thankful for.
*Peace and acceptance comes from within. Keep in mind that staying busy or starting a new relationship by themselves isn’t going to bring you peace, comfort, or acceptance. They’re simply tools to help you go on from one day to the next. Eventually you’re going to have to go through the inner struggle of accepting your loss and being okay with starting a new chapter in your life. It’s not the easiest process but coming through the other side and realizing that life is still worth living and there’s lots of joy to be had is worth the struggle. Don’t be afraid to start that journey.
I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in your new Journey!