I was having a discussion with my wife earlier today on the topic of ‘why are men so selfish’. It cropped up as a result of the writer’s block I had been having for the last few days. We had a good hour-long conversation about this topic, and I can quite honestly say it was rather eye opening when I put my ego aside for an hour. I just had to; some of the things she was telling me were quite hard to hear, but necessary I think. If you can’t be openly honest in a Marriage, what can you be, right?
Apparently, I’m selfish, as a man, where I put my needs first above our family’s. It sounds harsh me saying that, right? Automatically I assume that you’ll be envisaging me going out with my guy friends, partying and leaving Natalie, home, bare foot and pregnant, right? It doesn’t necessarily mean that I, or any other men are narcissists for that matter. But it’s subtler than that, far more subtle and I think she holds a valid point.
She was telling me about last week, as an example, where she was finding it hard to scrape me off the computer so that my Son can have his dinner early to set in motion an early bath & bed. To her, this was a no brainer. I should have come down to help, but she had to sit there and wait for me. To me, I needed to get my tasks done before I could come down, and they’d have to wait – I’d make up the time later, it’d be fine (I didn’t, just for reference).
It was interesting what she said because she was taking into account for everyone there, Alex, her, and me. If Alex went to bed earlier he’d get a good sleep, and we’d be able to sit down and relax more with the TV before it’s time to go to bed, but for me I could only see what was in front of me at that specific moment in time. I could only see the work that was needed to be done, rather than finish it up later. I wanted to do it then and there, so it wasn’t hanging on my mind for later. I look at that and think, wow, I was kind of only thinking about myself there. So, my question to myself, ‘why are men so selfish?’ was being slowly answered
Is Selfishness in Men instinctual? Or is it learned?
She has me thinking now, the wife, not only how I can better manage this, but where it stems from. Is it how I was brought up as a kid? Or is it instinctual? Or a bit of both? I was an only child, and lived on my own for a good 10 years afterwards, so I’m more selfish in some ways than most. I try all the time to amend my selfish behaviour because I know it’s landed me in hot water in the past. Yet this subtleness, it’s something I’ve never even considered before. My wife thinks it’s instinctual for the man to be selfish like such. If we analyse our primal times, way before speech and civilization, it was the man’s duty and place to eat first because he needed the energy to go out and hunt; now we eat with everyone. In our household, our Son receives his dinner first.
And my wife, she thinks about everyone. She makes sure everyone in the house is catered for before she even thinks about herself. She told me this and I thought, wow. I mean I married her because of her better than average nurture, it’s amazing. I knew she was naturally gifted in the nurture section already. She was the first woman that I ever felt wholly comfortable around to be open and honest with, but she tells me this and I’m taken slightly back. In my mind one has to make sure themselves are good before making steps to healing others? No? Perhaps it’s because I’m an experienced-based healer. I help others through troubled times because I’ve been in that situation before.
It’s an avenue I’ve never explored before, and as I recollect some things other women have told me in the past before, it’s beginning to ring more and more true to me. I have one friend, that tells me sometimes she won’t open her mouth at work for fear of how her place in the social hierarchy will be affected. A grab of the ass, an uncouth and overtly sexual comment is met with a nervous laugh, rather than the due respect that such a comment should be met with, i.e:
“Fuck off you twat.”
I reflect on that and think, again, that’s women not putting themselves first. When they have the courage to do exactly that, they are met with calls of
“You need a hard cock up your ass” Or something equally as derogatory.
When I ask myself the question, “why are men so selfish? And put themselves first.” It comes up constantly, unquestionably, that we aren’t met with much resistance, for now, anyway, and it’s why women are speaking up now. Taking to the streets, campaigning. It’s something we need to think about, clearly, in further depth.
I must admit it’s opened up a whole new thought process for me that I had no clue existed. I’m more and more understanding the thoughts and needs of women, and I can understand why some of them are fed up. I’m lucky enough to be involved in groups that are mostly women, and it’s helped me understand a great deal, sometimes knowing the other half of the problem is the route to the solution, no?
We’re supposed to be an evolved species, let’s start to try and act like one.
I’m certainly not trying to detract from the struggles of men here, because there are some areas in life where we do have it hard, yet, let’s start trying to focus on both sides rather than one. Listen, communicate, open up, be awesome.