Why focusing on yourself more can help in relationships and communication
I’m sure you’ve been at the end of your tether before, as I have, scratching my head, wondering why she just isn’t getting what I’m trying to tell her. What’s so hard to understand? I’m sure many, many women have been in the same position before too about their man. Why doesn’t he understand? Is he dense? Did I get into a relationship with a dummy?
Yeah, I get it, communication breakdown is one of the most common causes of arguments in relationships, ever.
What if I turned the question on it’s head and opened up another thought process? What if I opened up to the possibility of asking myself,
“Ok, what am I saying wrong that they aren’t getting? How can I communicate my feelings better?”
I generally like to think most people, and the things they say and do stems from a good place. Often the end result can be a bad, or even terrible thing, but the core message, the underlying feeling that caused my friend, colleague or acquaintance to say or do the things that they have is because it came from a well meaning place. Initially, their intentions may have been good. I generally tend to think most people mean well today. Most of us are law abiding citizens and try to do good for our fellow people in humanity. It’s just, some people aren’t well equipped to communicate properly.
I actually found this out the hard way when I started my last job. Previously I had worked in teaching, and mostly I was the one in charge; I stood up in front of my students and dictated the course of the lesson, what they would be doing and why it was good for them. I had feedback sessions but not on the level I was going to be exposed to. If I’m honest the last position I worked at was the most technical I had ever attempted to get my teeth stuck in to. I learned a great deal from this job, and in essence it literally changed the way I looked at life in it’s entirety. It taught me to stop looking at how to fix the problems other people had, and to look at the problems I was having with conveying my message to other people.
I literally turned my entire life on it’s head.
I realised that mostly, everything that was wrong in life with my relationships, friendships, business etiquette, and family ties were not because of a problem these people were having, or mostly anything to do with them. How I am perceived, received and listened to is an entirely direct reflection on my attitude to the situation at hand. When you think about it, people are completely mouldable to your intentions when right there, in the moment, it just depends how you act or react with them at the time. A good example would be, how would you expect people to be open to what you were saying if you’re shouting and angry with them? The last person that shouted at me I closed my mind off tighter than a Napoleons wife’s Chastity belt, and similarly, how would you expect anyone to do as you ask when you are used to bending to the whim of everyone? The word “no” being detracted from your vocabulary.
So when my wife tells me that she’s feeling like I need to step up more around the house, I don’t immediately blame her, nor do I blame myself, because I could look at the solution as the end result. I could think to myself,
“Ok, well, I guess I need to tidy more”
But I go beyond that. I look at the reasons as to why I’ve been slipping. Is work more demanding? Am I starting to get too relaxed and taking my life for granted? Is there something in my life right now that needs attention? And is it causing me unnecessary stress? I look at those factors and try to work with them, because I know that by working with the deeper level problems that are causing me to be untidier than normal it will have a positive impact on my housework, and that will in turn have a direct effect on my wife.
It’s like most things in life you can use this neat little trick with.
Do you feel like your life is going nowhere because of the poor upbringing you had and your parents were just terrible? In a different respect you could look at life as a unique position; that you’ve experienced more than most, and that you can help and emphasise with others that are in the same situation as you once were. Change your disadvantages into advantages, life is just a mindset. I have friends that are bitterly unhappy with everything at their fingertips, and also friends that are happier than most with nothing.
Do you suck at relationships? Are every one of your relationships doomed to failure because men or women just don’t understand you? Then why not change that into looking into what you do wrong so that your potential life partner feels more comfortable around you? That they understand you more fully, so that your needs are met?
And it’s an ongoing thing. I didn’t just change my life and sit there and think,
“wow, shit is good right now. I can relax.”
It’s always reflecting, always looking into what I can do better to make my life more positive and those around me feel well. I stopped blaming others as to why I got into the situation I was in. Bad things happen, people can be terrible, but the position I am in, right now, as you’re reading this, is a sum total of my entire life choices. I could easily make it better, or worse, depending on the choices I make right now. No-one else. I spent almost six years clinically depressed and in a long period of stagnation; bitter and twisted at the world because of the situation I was in, and the bad things that happened to me. It took me a long, long time to realise that I was only stagnating and not doing anything with my life because I was choosing to.
Don’t make the same mistake as I did.
Reflect, look into your life, often.
Change for the better and as much as the weather.
Peace.