Sick and tired of being sick and tired!

When i was able to look at the blog today i was surprised to see that people have taken interest in the concept and idea of this blog. Honestly I have just started this thing and its already serving its purpose and feels great. Before i get into this post i want to go over my plan for how im going to produce content. I want to try and post daily but am committing myself to 3 post a week (I will most likely post more then this but giving my self this goal helps to stay consistent even if i get in a mental funk) I also may do little updates during the days that i wont be considering as actual "post". Sticking to the original idea of this blog i will write whenever i feel like saying something or given my opinion and as always it will be real and raw no filter.

Ok lets get right into it.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired!

Have you ever woken up and just wanted to be like every other scumbag? Today was one of those days for me... My son was sick all day yesterday so i took special care of him with plenty of hugs and cuddles trying to make him feel better. Because of this i woke up sick today 1 hr before my alarm went off. I felt like i was hit by a train, barely pushed my self out of bed and dragged my self into the bathroom to start my routine. Heres the thing, I truly love my kids more then anything. They are my reason to be better and to push harder. Im currently going through a nasty divorce and have both of my kids full time on my own. I don't have a support system really and have mostly been a loner for a long time. I do everything myself with the kids and on top of that my son has both medical and developmental problems that can be tricky. Needless to say im always burnt out and being sick on top of it makes me a grumpy asshole.

At this point ive become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Thinking to my self why i cant be a shitbag like all the other dads i know. I could just pack my shit and throw everything at the kids mother and give her the finger as i drive away. I could travel and sleep in, I could see the world and fuck everything that walks, dam i even could live like a rock star and be the face of the company i work for but nope i have to care... So being sick and tired is my only choice. The issue here is this, the more i do the right thing the more the people doing the wrong thing in my circumstance will take from me. As more stress piles up and more gets put on my plate the more i think about what i could have if i just didn't care.. Does this make me a bad person and father? Things i think about and ask myself daily. The thing is that even though i think about this shit im still here, still being puked on, still changing shitty diapers, still barely sleeping, still letting everyone else get there way as long as its in the best interest of my kids to do so. So am i a bad person for thinking about being a scumbag? I ask again because sometimes i wonder if thinking stuff is almost the same as doing.. My kids don't deserve what they have gotten, they don't deserve the life that there mother has forced them into and they don't deserve a father that thinks about leaving them because life is hard. I know wah wah wah right? A lot of whining going on...

My point in all of this is this, life is a bitch for everyone and each and everyone of us has our downfalls and issues, i mean shit most of us would be evil mother fuckers if we could get away with it ( even you self righteous do good perfect people think about what ifs ). When it comes down to it I would never leave my kids and I could never be that scumbag because im all they have and i know it but that doesn't mean i cant be fucking fed up with the constant crying, appointments, inconvenience's and being sick and tired of being sick and tired... The fact is that its what we do that matters not what we think about doing.

On another note i absolutely wish I could have two days without all of the stresses and bullshit. Fuck i don't even need excitement, a warm comfy bed and good food with some peace and quiet would be a little piece of heaven lol. To all of the people out there who woke up today feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired and wanted to just say fuck it to all of the responsibility's that they need to do because if they don't then some thing or another would suffer but instead they keep on keeping on. You are amazing no matter how dark, depressed and just twisted things can get in your head remember that you are not alone in this, everyone is just as fucked up as you are but not everyone chooses to do the right thing day in and day out. What separate's winners from loser's and good people from bad? It isn't what you have or who has the better quality of life, nope. It doesn't matter if your super successful or poor as shit. Circumstance does not dictate these things but instead how we choose to process our circumstance does. It does not matter if 99% of your thought process is the wrong thing as long as your actions are right. End rant.

Ok that's it for this one. Another thing ide love to get started doing on this blog is given my honest unfiltered opinion and advice on reader chosen topics. If you have something you would like to hear my opinions on please post the topic in the comments with a brief description. Its doesn't matter what the topic is and if im not educated in said topic I will voice that when i give my opinions and advice. My opinions may not mean shit or you never know it may be something ive been through or experienced myself and can give good advice on.