Notes to myself. Well I wish I didn't start to this writing to be honest. It won't be like a diary or journals. I could never keep one in my life, but my reason to giving some notes to myself is probably making sure that I am aware of myself. Most of us experienced some hard sh*t in their life time and learnt some lessons. Yet some of us just can't learn quickly from experiences.
So what triggered me to write is actually seeing myself being dragged into sad emotions caused by other people's grief. People that I know, I value. That's my curse I think. Some people are easy to find on good days but never could be found on bad days. I am the exact opposite in some certain relationships. Specially when I find the people I talk are all naive and have good hearts. Or at least when I actually believe that they have good hearts and intentions, I just can't hold myself but involving in their grief. Some people are easy to hurt, some people have a lot of reasons to be sad, some people are just love the idea of being sad. God knows, I always tried my best to help people whom I think they are honest. Yet I never was a skillful person when it comes to be moderate. Because it is always all in or never ever for me. It has it's own advantages and disadvantages. When it comes to making some important decisions such as job calls, being a straight forward guy is something desirable. Yet when it comes to human relationships it doesn't really work that way.
After dealing with some hard to get along people I should have learnt my lesson. The trick is simple actually, I should avoid being driven by another people's emotions. Specially when it comes to their sadness. Happiness is easy to be shared with if you really have good feelings towards to your partner in relationship. Sad ones on the other hand, could actually make you sad as well if you let it be.
Well, now I keep writing this further after one night passed. I wanted to read what i was saying again, guess i made clear representation of my feelings so i wont be editing. Now, being in a completely different emotional mood makes me wanna conclude this notes without going any further. In a nutshell I wanted remind myself that I learnt my lesson, I am done with these complicated turning tables. Somehow, I know some part of me love the misery, uncertainty. I guess i will be witnessing the fight between my heart and my mind in the future many times like I had last night. Writing actually helped me somehow, never believed that. Sharing it is somehow is not important at the moment, pouring my thoughts into words, just this is relaxing.
Well, in the end cigarettes were smoked, feelings were drowned once again. It will not be the last one. At last I recalled that everything starts and ends in my mind, if I really want it to be done, it will be done. Having control over yourself is hard job but I managed to do that in far worse situations, this one should not be that much of a deal. Time to living the same old, somewhat fun, outgoing but filled with blank emotions life I know. Fake excitements, lies, deceiving myself to being alright. Somewhat escaping from the heavy feelings, somewhat giving myself time to find the one. Hoping to share some happier news to ya later on. Thanks.
Posted from my blog with SteemPress : https://realizeyes.timeets.xyz/2018/07/14/dont-be-a-sucker-for-pain/