My mom Beverly and my Father Fredrick were married in 1958, I was born in 1960, my sister of this union was born a couple years later in Wiesbaden Germany. My Father was stationed in Wiesbaden and was a Captain in the Air Force. He was a navigator and a pilot and flew many missions throughout the Middle East.

My Father's favorite thing to do was go fast, he loved driving fast cars and flying fast little jets. I don't have any pictures of his little jets. I think my sister has them, she is the keeper of the family photos. I don't keep many pictures of my family because photographs have never been the holder of memories for me. I carry my memories within me, buried deep in my genetics.

Th e photo of a man feeding a baby is my Father and I... I learned to love sauerkraut at an early age. You can see a few of my Dads cars and they will become my next car paintings. I don't know what kind of car I am sitting on with my Mom. If anyone knows, please tell me!

My Dad died of cancer when he was 29 years old, I was almost 5 and my sister was 2.5 years old. My Mom went on to marry dysfunctional men, one of them was a psychopath that got off terrorizing little kids. I learned about the darker side of human nature from my Stepfather and my Mother. I will never know what my Father would of taught me and that's why I missed him so much as a child.

During the time I was doing a lot of vipassana retreats all the traumatic memories lost their power over me and I had a dream about my Father during that time. I visited him one last time, he was with another family but he told me that if I needed him he would always be here for me. After that vivid dream my grief and intrusive traumatic thoughts/feelings left for good. That's why you don't see many family memories or photos on my stream. Most of my family are still stuck in our family trauma . The family I still have relationship with I feel the need to protect and don't post much about them online.

My Dad loved fast cars my Mom loved Morgan horses. After my Dad died my Mom bought a small 40 acre farm near Portland and settled down to raise and show Morgans. I grew up running with spring foals. The horse on the far left was mine, her name was Pixie, she was a blood bay and we traveled many trails through the Oregon woods together. I helped raise her from a foal until we sold her when I turned 12 years old. The middle photo is Char Rebel and the background was Lady her mother. The far right photo are some of the spring foals I used to run with. I would walk down to our front pastures and hang out with the broodmares and their foals. Often the little ones would dance around and run with each other. I found they would also dance and run with me. Looking back these are the memories I choose to remember. All the rest of the painful memories are stored away until I want to recall them, they no longer rule me!

If you think you can't live another moment, take a deep breath, life is constantly changing. You can learn to ride the change without being the victim of it!

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