There was a time in my life when i was running around the street, doing what i wanted to do and living life in a foul and disrespectful manner. It was during this time that i reflect on, and i think to myself "wow that was actually me". Sometimes because of circumstances in our life we do things that our outside of our actual character, we become the things we hate the most. And this is something that happened to me when i was 20 years old, and for the first time in my life i was actually homeless.

At the time i was dating this girl (who 2 1/2 years later winded up breaking my entire heart), named Angel and she was the love of my life. We did everything together, spent most of our time together and of course we used to get so high together too. Weed, Extacy, Alcohol and Cocaine were my drugs of choice back then, and they all had a serious grip on me. Me and her used to do a lot of crazy shit together, we partied, we had all kinds of extravagant sex and back then i thought i had the world by the balls man, i really did. I felt like nothing could stop me from being happy in my life, but i didn't even know what happy was yet.

In the summer of 2001 me and Angel had been plotting for a while on how we could get out of NYC and live somewhere, i don't know "better" i guess. She wanted to goto Houston because thats where he dad and her half brother was living. And i was down for it cause the shit was mad cheap to live out there. But we still needed money to move and since i was a scumbag in every sense of the word, the only ways i could think of to get money like that...was doing something criminal.

I remember hitting up my mean Beanie, and he had something he thought we could do to make some quick cash. He wanted to rob this ATM machine in this bodega from around my old neighborhood. I was down for it, i figured an ATM machine would give me at last a couple thousand dollars. One night we until the store was closed and tried climb over the gate to break into the store. Little did we know there was dog in the yard of the store and the dog attacked us. My boy Beanie winded up pulling out a screw driver and fighting with the dog, i'm seeing it all go down but there wasn't much i could do but try to kick and punch the dog but it was some big ass german shepherd or something so he was tough. Yo we couldn't even fight the dog, he ran us out of the yard and we had to climb the gate to get back out.

At the time in my life i had not been living with my mother for quite some time. She threw me out the house because i was getting high and running the streets, and she didn't want that stuff in her house. So i was living with Angel and her moms. I was so frustrated about the ATM machine incident that i started to plot on doing something that it took me a long time to forgive myself for. I start to think of ways i might be able to steal from my mothers house, so i can get the money to leave.

This is the mind of a man who had been doing nothing but drugs for years, my mind was so cloudy and i was making some of the worst decisions in my life. But i plotted still....and about a week after that ATM incident, i went to my mother's house when i knew she wouldn't be there, and i used my key that i still had. I remember walking into the house and the surreal feeling of not having been there in a while, and a feeling of guilt washed over me and i almost didn't do it. But i was so convinced that i was doing the right thing for myself and that my mother didn't care about me anyway cause she threw me out the house.

Coincidentally, she still kept her bedroom door locked even though i wasn't living there anymore. So i went to the kitchen got a hammer, and knocked the entire knob off of her bedroom door...it was really fuckin crazy of me. It took me like 3 minutes of banging to finally knock the whole thing off. Once i got in the room, i knew what i came for so i took most of the jewelry out of her cases. My mother had a lot of nice jewelry and till this day it is something that i know she still hurts over, that her only son stole from her and sold stuff she could never replace.

So i took it, i took the jewelry and me and this devil bitch went to some pawn shop and sold all my mothers jewelry from just a little bit over $1000 (this was probably 10k worth of jewels). Once we had the money the first thing we did was go down to the greyhound station, with no clothes no luggage or anything. Angel had already been in contact with her sister in law and she told her that we was gonna come down and if we could stay there for a few weeks while we find an apartment.

The trip was crazy, 3 days long on the greyhound..but we finally made it to Houston and it was hot as fuck there..too hot. Back then there weren't cellphones in everyones pocket either so no one knew where we were at for a while..at least we thought no one did. Come to find out, when my mother came home that day and saw her jewelry taken, she called Angel's mother, and Angel's mother called Angel's father and Angel's father called her brother and told him the whole story. So by the time we got to Houston her father was already ready to send me back to NYC. I had never met her dad before, but to him i was bringing his daughter into some bullshit and i was a bad influence. Which couldn't have been further from the truth. So we had just gotten here, and i was already being sent back to NYC...but of course i didn't go.

I don't want to make this story too long, but during my time in Houston was one of the most scariest situations i had put myself into in my life. I was homeless for months and I had become a thief, a liar, a criminal, a drug addict, and a person i could no longer even recognize. The life i was living was filled with nothing but cocaine and fun, and i treated everyone around me like complete shit. It was one of the lowest points of my life and when i think about it, i don't really even understand what was going on through my mind.

There are a lot of things in my life that i have done that i am not proud of, and since my beginning of my spiritual growth i have tried to understand myself more so i do not fall back into these habits again. You have to know yourself, you can't walk around lying to yourself about who you are, because then you wind up becoming someone who your'e not.

Life is full of millions of choices and each choice we make leads us down a path, and what path we choose determines how our life ends up. These days im feeling good, and i have gotten over a lot of the pain i have caused in my past, but it took me a long time to get to this point of understanding myself a little better. Yo this blog is kinda long now, so i'm just going to say this story is for the people who have done some extremely foul shit in their life, and they might not even tell people about it...but this is for those people who are ashamed of things they have done. Don't be ashamed of it man, live up to it, own it and it will make you a better and stronger person. Peace and Bliss.