Self loathing comes in many patterns, most of which aren't advantageous to our health as individuals. The one that always gets me in intelligent people is "I don't deserve this." "You are too good for me."
Talk about fueling the fire to your depression.
This is a horrible way to go about things in your daily life because of two reasons. One, is that you are being fundamentally dishonest by the standard in which you measure things. The second reason is, man, who the hell cares?
People don't choose to be born to rich parents. People don't choose to be born in white neighborhoods. People don't choose to be born in countries like Austrailia, America, Canada, developed countries that give a damn about their citizens. Why feel so guilty about something that is out of your hand? Why so guilty for being lucky, and furthermore, for being successful?
The correct attitude in which to deal with your success is not to reject it, but try and maintain it and use it to make the world more equitable and healthy place to live in by your standard. One person can work every day of their lives and become rich at forty as a consequence of their hard work. Another can win the lottery and become rich. The point isn't that situation b is more or less fortunate that situation a, or that situation a is the way we should all strive to become rich. The point is, that both individuals, in both situations, are rich, and have all this control and power that they didn't possess before.
Which brings me to the first reason. When people say they don't deserve things, it's not usually because they don't believe it. They say it because they are afraid of being found out as a fraud, and really, because they are afraid of other peoples' judgment of them. It's shocking, really. A wonderful thing happens to you, and you talk yourself out of it because someone else might call you out on it or be a little mean to you. What a load of horse-shit.
The correct way to deal with newfound power/money/status is by embracing it gracefully and researching it. Then, after getting to a state where you understand what you have acquired, it is about making that newfound status align with your principles as much as you can.
Second reason. Nobody REALLY gives a shit. People might bitch about you being lucky for a little bit, but jealousy, like anger, stupidity, and in the end, life, fades away over time.
Hilariously, if you act like you deserve something, many people will be convinced that you do, in fact, deserve it. But the point isn't to go and try to keep up the facade. The point is to be an honest person who isn't so prone to judgment that they wave away their good fortune because of guilt or an idiotic sense of obligation.
Shitty people get good things in life, it happens all the time. Even if you feel like you don't deserve something, go make the world better instead of being a person who drowns in their self-pity. Get a new gig. It's getting old.
