Life... Why must you be so mean about it?

I always have been told that I learn the hard way. I can't really deny it. It's just how I do.

At least I do it with some sense of dignity and grace. I mean, look at that face. I look dignified as shit, right?

Right?

Hmmph. Well, I guess I get the reason for the difficulty. I am sure there is going to be a moment in the nearish, or maybe far-off future where it all makes sense. Right now, it is simply confusing and moderately depressing. My ego laments at the loss of awesomeness and still refuses to simply stop, pull over and ask for directions. Nope, we are here. Wherever that is... We are here and just chugging along. Wherever the road takes us will be an adventure, I guess.

I keep telling myself that anyway.

There has to be some truth to it. I mean, I keep having these pops and whizzes in the form of epiphanies. It is as though, suddenly a conceptual piece of the ever-present yet unseen puzzle is coming together.

When the Chips are Down...

You really know who your friends are when the shit hits the fan. My mother used to say, "when the chips were down." This phrase is lost on me. I never quite got it. What chips? Poker chips, I assume. In any case, however you say it... the sentiment is true.

The fact is, I don't know where I would be right now without my created family. Some of them are tied to me by blood. My oldest son, for example. He is and continues to be one of my favorite human beings. He's almost 18 and he doesn't have the time that he once did, to indulge me for a few hours, just letting me rant or work out the issues in my head. He's there though. In spite of RoTC, friends hormones, high school and his first job... he checks in and talks to me. He shares his day and creates a dialogue when he can, or simply reaches out at other times.

Believe it or not, I don't require constant attention.

Hello.... Is Anybody Out There?

It has been pretty quiet in my world this last month. It has given me time to think and reflect. The more that I go over it though, it seems that things have been unseasonably difficult in my microcosm for about a year now. It all started with a brief jail stint last year. I didn't go, by my partner did. It was silly. It was long. Since then, I haven't been the same.

My mother was dying at the time and it all happened at the same time and so fast. I am not okay. I will be. I am getting there. I need some help and I need to keep my head on straight.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the most insistent of my people that keep poking me. They probably should be careful, as this mama bear is irritable!!! Buuuuut, that being said, the pain it can sometimes cause is good. I don't mean it all emo, but it isn't poignant either when I say that the pain reminds me that I am still here, kicking and alive. Granted, more often than not I pause at that thought and shake my head. I never asked for this life thing. I can't give it back though. Trust me, I tried. I've died twice and well, I type decently for a dead girl.

I am just putting a reminder... to myself... out here.

This isn't the first time that saw the checkpoint and thought that it meant the finishing line would be in sight. Nope, I know better. This thing will continue on it's own pace and I have little say in that.

I can control this attitude. I can practice my gaze, shifting to more positives. I can keep my ego in check and I can temper my words with a little more compassion. There is always plenty to do. The good thing about humans, rather, humanity being kind of shitty is that there is always room for improvement.

And the over achiever in my soul rejoices.

Well, at least one of us is happy.

The rest of us are going to smoke.

The Congress clamors with confirmation and approval.

I love me sometimes and I always love approval and attention.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how you appease yourself through rote.

I suck at self care but faking it certainly has helped me get there. Greatness & Glory or Boring... In between is for losers... which, according to Beck, seems to be a kind of upbeat affair... kind of like a spring break vacation in Baja California that is going pretty decent until you fart in front of the girl that you've wanted to ask out for weeks.

Ahhhh, sweet reality. She jolts you to show you that she cares.

Get it Together Captain

I am trying. I swear.

I feel for people with chronic depression. I have never had a bout this long. This whole thing was heavy and terrifying. The peaks, man. I am learning to live for the peaks.

I am going to schedule a break.

I need art.

I need to lighten up.

I need a lot of things but self care is a bitch and not always my strong suit.

Hooray for Transparency - A Poem of Sorts

I feel like a shit show. I feel like a failure. I feel stupid, ugly and like a waste.
I am none of these things.
Internal dialogue be damned.
Damn the man.
Save the Empire.
The Empire of the Self.

Thank You

Now, you can return to your regularly scheduled program...

Why, hello Spring. Looking mighty fine this year!

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Eh... Who am I to boss you lovely people around. But ya, if you want to. I could stand some love sent over this way.