If only I knew I would never speak with you again...

I was in my first year of college excited to start a new chapter in my life. It was October 15th, 2010 my first day of midterms, I was running off of adrenaline as I had been up all night studying. At about  7:30 A.M I stumbled downstairs to grab some coffee and found my father up making breakfast after his morning workout. He seemed surprised to see me but nothing out of the ordinary happened, he just said good morning and wished me good luck on my midterms. I thanked him and grabbed my coffee and went back upstairs to study for another hour. At 8:30 A.M I left for school my father had already left the house and I suspected that he was going to play tennis since he usually does most mornings. When I was leaving I didn't notice that he had left his wallet on the kitchen table which I found out later he had done. 

Fast forward until noon when I got out of my first midterm I had missed calls from my mom and a few voicemail's. This was very unusual because my mom is supposed to be at work so I immediately listen to them. This is when my heart sank deep into my stomach as the hairs on my body stood up. "Honey you need to come home whenever you get this. Something has happened and I need you home as soon as possible." The tone of her voice will never leave my mind, it sounded like she had just saw a ghost. I ran to my car and started what would be the most anxious drive of my life.

As I approached my house I didn't see either of my parents cars, but my driveway was filled with cop cars. At that moment my whole body went completely numb. I walked up the stairs to be greeted at the door by my mom and brother when my mom broke the news. "Your father was hit by a car and he's not going to make it." she could barely get it out as waterfalls poured out of her. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground in shock not knowing what to do. 

I was 18 and my best friend and person I looked up to the most was gone. My mom revealed to me that my dad had committed suicide at 9:30 A.M. He drove to a local highway and had jumped in front of a truck and did not survive. Most suicide victims don't show symptoms leading up their death and this was exactly his case. I had no idea how he felt or any suspicion this was going to happen. In the morning when I saw him for the last time he seemed happy and to this day I still wish I could go back to that morning to stop him. 

We rarely think about the last moments with loved ones because we don't want to imagine losing someone so close. Then when the tragedy strikes we are devoured by feelings of regret that we didn't seize the opportunity to tell that loved one how much they mean to us. "If I could have just one more day, one more hour, one more conversation." I went through this and no matter how much this thought runs through your head it will not make the situation better. You have to reminisce the memories that made that person special and how positively they impacted your life. 

This is a very sensitive event that happened to me and in future blogs I want to go more in depth on how life changed for me after this. I also want to talk more about suicide and the effects it has on loved ones. If you have experience in this subject I would love to hear your stories in the comments.

I will eventually do a blog introducing myself fully but at the moment I was to remain somewhat anonymous. Thank you for taking your time to read if you made it this far and if you are interested in my future blogs I would appreciate a follow: @sagascious

I am by no means a good writer but I would like to improve over time so any writing tips would also be helpful!