What do you do, when you're uncertain about yourself/very self-aware, single, and still find yourself wishing for someone?
What do you do if you've had multiple rejections based on your Transgender life-tag?
In my case, I've done... well.... nothing.
For 14 years, I've just been a bit of a hermit, in the sense that I didn't get out of the house much.
Ever since I had my first hormone shot (14 years ago), my idea of a night of entertainment or a 'night out' was either visiting friends one-on-one, a quick cinema visit to go home straight after, or sitting at home with my best friend, Mr Internet.
If it was a very special 'trip', it often meant a weekend at friends, or a weekend of LARP (Live Action Role Play).
Yeah. I'm also a geek. I love almost everything geeky, and so comics, superheroes, star wars, horror movies, homestuck (the webcomic, big fan, and very applicable name) and netflix kept me company.
Needless to say, this didn't exactly make finding someone special any easier.
Whenever I was asked to go out, I'd either say 'Maybe' and come up with excuses last minute, or just say 'Nuh-uh' right away, depending on the plans.
"Hey Seth, wanna come with to (insert cool actions here) ?"
"Hey Seth, we're going to go (insert cool activity here), want to join us?"
"Hey Seth, we're going to go have fun at (insert cool place here), you should totally join!"
So, that's how it normally went.
Until my friend, @Marcovanhassel, didn't give me the option of saying either 'maybe' or 'nuh-uh'.
"When are we going out?" was then question.
"I dunno........." was my reply, but before all the dots had all passed, his reply was 'Pick a date. We're going out'.
Oh dear. All the excuses I usually used rolled out, one after the other.
'No money', 'I'm gay, I won't find anyone in normal clubs', 'I should lose more weight first', 'I'm on my diet, I don't want to ruin it', even going as far as to drag myself through mud, in my head, without speaking those out.
"Would you fucking STOP making excuses and just pick a date?" the smiling face of my friend said on the other side of the video-call.
Well, I picked a date where I couldn't make excuses when it came to finances, and he agreed to go to the clubs where there would be men liking men, as well as normal places.
"Invite whoever you want and wants to come along."
Oh dear..... there was no escaping now. Sure, my brain fired up and got REALLY creative with thinking up excuses.
But there was one thing Marco said, which I know he'd back up by doing it: 'If you're gonna cancel last minute, I'm gonna come get you and drag you along'.
If there's one thing I learned is that he actually keeps that word.
So, I found myself facing the mirror past saturday, 22nd of July.
Hair? Cropped nicely. Beard? As far as it's there, trimmed and styled.
Invites? A group of four, Marco, his girlfriend, a friend who travelled all the way from the other side of the country in a wonderful 'YOLO'-action to join... and myself.
Clothes? Will have to do. Let's add a hat for fun.
And off I went.
I was shitting bricks in a rainbow pletora of colours of even the unseen spectrum.
I would be among people. Would they expect me to actually dance? Seths don't dance.
Would they expect me to drink? Seths don't drink.
What if nobody would like me? What if someone would?
Every fear passed the stage. And once I saw my friends, waiting for me in the Center of Amsterdam?
Something.. happened. I can't explain what happened EXACTLY, but I felt...... lifted. Relieved.
I was in Amsterdam like I was every weekend before two failed long-term relationships, like I was when I was still a heavily-into-goth-style teenager (..that kinda never fully died.)
And I was .. well, 'Still alive'.
It opened up a memory lane which had been under construction, authorized personel only.
First club/bar we went to had been the Cave, one of the small hardrock/metal/goth café's I used to frequent.
We toasted, we talked a bit, and soon enough, we moved on (right before the live band started playing, sorry guys).
We moved from bar to bar, club to club, staying for as long as we wanted.
I can't say I was a 100% at ease, but the company of my friends?
Being out there?
Having fun, even .... shuffling and shaking a bit to the beat of the music? (I'll see it as the closest thing to dancing you'll get Seth at this stage)
Making witty remarks with friends about those around you? Spotting the hot guys with two lady friends and smirking about the less-my-types with all of them?
It was so...... amazing.
Even a very openminded and friendly drag-queen bar where a bachelor-party was going on was nice enough to enjoy two drinks in. The 'cross-country' friend even got a string of flamingo-shaped party lights which she wore around her neck like a glowy necklace from the bacherlorette-bride-to-be, which was ever so kind! (I almost lost my hat because one of the partygirls liked it.. that was a nono, though!).
As for drag queens, they're not my type (I like men), but I think those who cross-dress there make it into an absolute art-form.
The owner there even sang to the bachelor-girl, and proved to be quite good at it too!
All in all, an amazing visit.
So yes! I had nothing but fun that night. Fun enough to go on till 4 AM and contently drop into my bed.
I only had one sip of alcohol, but partied on a cola-buzz (.. mind you, I've not had a cola in months) and we laughed lots.
Yeah, I was still shy and very self-aware. But it didn't matter. We were four happy fools out for fun.
Now I'm not thinking, 'if there's a next time, I will...'.
No, I'm thinking 'next time, I will'... as in, we're going to do this again.
Time to change.
Time to let the hermit transmute into a new me.
Time to reinvent the wheel of fortune or something.
I asked the universe for help, and it send me my friends.