Narcissism is an excessive interest in or admiration for oneself or one’s physical appearance and/or one’s own abilities. Extreme selfishness, excessive self – love, vanity, even grandiose view of one’s own talents and self centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects.
Narcissism is accepted as a defense mechanism used by the babies from six months up to around six years of age who focus on the self in order to protect themselves, as they form their individual self, and that is known as primary narcissism.
This primary narcissism is necessary for our maintenance because we all depend on the affirmation of others and the acquisition of desirable things but must later develop into healthy mature self esteem.
Healthy self esteem is not a clinical disorder, a social, cultural nor relationship problem.
It is the stepping stone of the true relationship because it helps openness to experience, it facilitates meaningful encounters, places boundaries and limits but not limitations, expresses genuineness, empathy and unconditional love.
That kind of self esteem has evolved from self narcissistic love to embracing the other by accepting that it is through the other that we grow, we evolve and that is why we need him/her. Not out of need but as a need of our human nature which aspires to close encounters. The other is seen as a partner, a liberating opportunity to restore faith in true relationships, not suspiciously as an enemy.
So what is an anti – narcissistic way of relating?
What is an anti- narcissistic self-esteem?
It’s a healthy self esteem that :
has replaced narcissism to compassionate empathic listening.
sees clearly that in a relationship there are other partners too.
realizes that it is not all about himself/herself.
has assessed oneself and takes responsibility.
is not extremely sensitive to criticism.
appreciates more.
does not make the other feel invisible.
asks about the other, about HOW one feels.
does not get interruptive.
makes room to live the adequate amount of experience in connecting with people, not achieving goals.
In one word does not act like « His Majesty the Baby»
Freud first used the expression « His Majesty the Baby» and referred to the dangerous side of parenting, where the baby is positioned at the center of the palace and creation and is treated as God like.
You see there is a fine line between the mother’s first look that sees in her baby, God, its divine substance and potential to become God, which is perfect for its emotional stability and growth, since love never hurts, and the way of treating her child as a God, which is an unfortunate way that leads to narcissism and fatal fall. The attempt of parents to ascribe to the child all manner of perfections is dangerous and the tremendous importance they give to the place of the child within the family group is a peril to parenting. Being a parent is one thing, parenting is different.
It is a narcissistic trap to raise a child to the level of a deity because one day it will find out that the world does not revolve around it and then…. Whooopssss!! the fall is huge and not so majestic!!!
Love is important for our emotional survival and IS unconditional, but has rules.
And because I am a bit concerned of parents’ attitudes towards their little ones and thus the inevitable lack of close encounters later on, I’ ll give you the first rule which is important in order not to overvalue or undervalue our child but give the equilibrium needed for them to grow towards their limitless potential. Let your child follow slowly and steadily the path towards becoming a person and therefore God.
Let them realize that we need each other deeply in our heart and if we want to play with each other and not get expelled we should realize that there are others playing too!!! Whatever we do or say has an emotional impact on the other one involved.
We do not play the game alone.
Teach the significance of the daily use of the following four small words.
Please
Thank you
I m sorry
It’s ok.
Say please to the other because you do not feel one is obliged in any way to serve you.
Say thank you because you appreciate it was out of will and freedom that one chose to help you, to assist you, to be kind and generous to you.
Say I am sorry because you realize you are human and therefore you make mistakes that you can correct. You are not perfect.
Say it’s ok because you can forgive and leave things behind. Because you realize that in life things will change many times for or against you. You will not always win but you can be the winner.
In other ways embrace politeness, gratitude, forgiveness and generosity.
That is how we create anti- narcissists and give meaning to our relationships.