Relationships have become difficult and too much to handle nowadays. People give up easily or never really commit themselves since they are not prepared to risk finding themselves in a situation which can’t be prescribed in advance or controlled in any way. Deeper encounters become more and more rarer because people work with boundaries «so far but no further» which give a feeling of safety but also an unwillingness to be free and open to experience so they stay under- involved and secure in their own convenient world.
As a person-centered therapist I am aware that the mere fact of two people experiencing an existential encounter is more than enough to bring the change and cure. That is why I believe so much in true relationships and invest in them, trying to facilitate the experience of each relationship as therapeutic whether it concerns my children, my friends, my clients or my beloved ones.
Before starting a relationship there is one contract only we need to sign, one obligation to follow, one route to walk: to try to become who we truly are and help people become the best versions of themselves. See, what an easy task!!
In other words we must only commit ourselves to our personal growth and not be quick quitters, not walk away, not stop developing the core conditions of congruence, unconditional positive regard and empathy that are the key of successful personal and interpersonal relations.
If I want to have a meaningful encounter with my children, I need to have a deep encounter with myself first because everything emanates from the relationship I have with myself. If I want to inspire self- love to my children, for instance, I can do it only as long as self - love is an integral part of my own personality.
Self love means that the level of self acceptance is so profound that one is never in constant concern to keep the facade strong, the appearance perfect, the mind witty.
Respect for oneself and love extends beyond the concern for appearance.
It is a strong will to unfold one’s potential in its best way for oneself and the other. It means to be in touch with the inner flow of the experience and be congruent to what one feels. It means one can even feel powerless and fearful and in pain without shame because one is released from the anxiety to be someone else and is free to love and cherish and respect oneself without negative or even positive thoughts.
This self- love has nothing to do with selfishness and power or arrogance. It has to do with the only fertile soil that can make close encounters bloom because it is the only prerequisite for offering (!) a relationship where one can experience the full presence of the other and bring out the best of him/her.
I can connect in a deeper level with my children only if I am prepared to meet with them at a relational depth without fear, without knowing where we are heading to but having unconditional trust to the process that there is a force that drives the person towards the accomplishment of his or her unique version of humanness, as Carl Rogers believes.
But in order to do that I need to endlessly strive towards my own growth because it is who I am , how fully I can invest myself in the moment, and how secure I am in my own being - my personal use of Self - that will enable the other to discover confidence in his/her own human nature and become as more humane as possible, as more fully themselves.
In a warm relationship you begin to experience a feeling of safety as anything you express is empathically understood almost as you perceive it, and is accepted. When you are given the experience of being deeply respected you start respecting yourself and your process towards growth letting aside all evaluations.
It is important to be present. Being fully present means caring about the inner world and the growth of the other without interfering or knowing better. It means focusing and feeling unconditional positive regard, empathy and genuineness for the other.
It means giving, offering the unconditional acceptance to the other that he or she withholds from himself or herself. And that doesn’t mean accepting unconditional every behavior but accepting the goodness of their human nature and believing in them when they don’t believe in themselves. It means loving unconditionally one’s nature and placing boundaries only that serve their own growth with the conviction that they’re a person of infinite worth.
Caring genuinely, participating completely, staying in line with what the other is trying to convey, seeing him as a partner not an enemy, treating him as an equal, following his line of thoughts and respecting his right and capacity to be responsible for himself believing in his natural human tendency for his own good are the core conditions that lead to true encounters.
The more children and adults strive towards becoming who they truly are, the more the rules and boundaries and contracts seem useless and the more they will seek for the other. Not through lack or fear or need but through the awareness that they need the other as a companion to their completion. Finding meaning in life and in the service of others will eventually come and the real self will bloom as self – love itself blooms.
Be fully present , invest yourself in the moment and feel secure in your own being, and you will experience fearless relationships almost unimaginable.
That is the key to existential encounters.
Do not try to conquer the world.
You will do so, effortlessly, if you never lose the ability to love one another and believe that relationships are sacred and valuable.