When I was young I used to think that therapy deals largely with those who are distressed and tries to help them feel relieved and happy.
Now I know that therapy is mostly about helping a person to dwell with distress, to grow through suffering, to find a new meaning in life that comes from suffering.
We grow precisely because we have suffered and that it is how pain becomes a gift.
Distress is an essential part of life, but we haven’t learned to suffer, so we immediately seek relief when we feel pain. That’s why we drug ourselves in alcohol, consumption, pills, television, internet…
Pain hurts and we have learned to sedate it as quickly as possible.
I still remember the day my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and was crying. All her friends were comforting her in every possible way, - he is not the one, you are better off without him, we liked him but you were not meant to be together - and so on - because they just couldn’t deal with her pain.
I knew the journey into self and felt compassion for her devastated heart. Feeling sorry for someone is different than feeling compassion. Having endured the same pain I could be of help. But without giving advice which is often well-intended but ineffective.
I related only to her feelings and listened to her. Not judging at all, never asking questions. Actually, she asked me not to and I tried my best to follow her instructions despite my curiosity or even fear of how she would cope. I now know that I didn’t need to ask any questions because I trusted her and trusted the process. I stopped preaching, advising, judging, criticizing.
I realized she didn’t want my sympathy, just my understanding.
Unconditional positive regard, congruence, and empathic understanding were the core conditions for our constructive relationship.
In the journey of her self discovery, I kept a sense of containment and safety. That is what a mom should offer. In that safe space, she could approach better her feelings of distress and steadily start to regain control of her life by adjusting to the new reality.
Suffering is many times nothing more than a mental label on an undesired situation. Not being happy about something and wanting it to change immediately.
Unfortunately, this is not always feasible so we need to learn to grieve. We need to follow all the stages of grief that lead towards our inner freedom.
Unfortunately, our society is not helpful. It does not teach us at home or at school how to do so. Feelings tend to dissipate after a while if they are truly felt.
We must learn to feel despair. We must learn to fail. We must learn to hurt.
Allowing our feelings to be as they are without labeling them as good or bad, makes distress less intolerable.
Acceptance of pain doesn’t always mean accept the fact, but accept what is. Accept that you will be ok in the new reality. An openness to the experience means being truly open for inspection.
Come to terms with the new reality, enter a new time of adjustment. Find new coping strategies in order to deal with it in an effective way.
That is why we go to a therapist on a conscious level. To receive a new education in discipline, the only source that can provide real relief. No more lies. You see, lying is an attempt to avoid the pain of every new challenge.
Do you remember when you were five and lied to your mom of how you broke the lamp? So, have you ever thought of why you lied? To avoid the pain of the consequences?
But that pain is the pathway to growth. It’s a difficult process towards progress but personal growth has no shortcuts.
We need to confront our lies. We need to confront our despair.
Dedication to the truth means always stay open and free to be. You do not need to hide, you do not maintain disguises, false identities, secretiveness, a façade of strength. You can be in touch with your feelings even though you are not your feelings.
There is always an existential meaning in distress, in pain, even a choice for meaning over the absence of meaning.
In therapy, we are cured when through retelling the narratives of our identity life’s meaning shifts.
Finding meaning in our tears is an existential aspect of well being. That is what I believe a fully functioning person is.
Someone who grows in awareness and competence to continually work toward becoming self-actualized.