The day was planned top to bottom. Meals, errands, birthday parties and movies. Every item had a place in the to do list, and each was checked off. I found myself in an unusual position: on my own with no task that must be done.
My first impulse was food. I fiddled with possibilities on my food tracking app, but quickly decided to stop at my favorite market salad bar. It turns out they had a Cinco de Mayo inspired hot bar tonight, so I loaded up on veggies and protein.
On the way home I had a burst of energy. What to do with it? I began planning a 10 minute workout, thinking through the time it would take to change, warm up, work out, stretch, change an what that would leave me. A small window. Very small. Enough time to eat and dash.
It occurred to me that I didn’t have to use up the energy. I could sit with it. The second season of The 3% hit Netflix yesterday. I gathered my food and water and sat down for a a good, old-fashioned binge. It was really, really weird.
Parenting puts me on high alert nearly all the time. Having time by myself is incredibly rare. Time in the house by myself is even rarer. I forget how to relax. I forget what quiet sounds like. I forget that I exist so that being alone is a painful realization. Like the world has stopped and I’m stranded.
I struggle to give myself permission to relax. Not working out was a win for me. Workouts have been the only act I’ve done purely for me in years. Choosing to use alone time to do something different was a struggle. I wanted to lean on my endorphin crutch. But I sat. And I ate. And I let my body be still.
It is amazing what melts away and what is revealed in those moments. I have been holding tension everywhere. I have been ready to jump at the drop of a hat and I can’t tell you for how long. I’m right back there now. My kids are home. It’s time to roll them up in blankets and put them to bed. My muscles are twitching in anticipation.
And even though it’s stress, it’s also good. There will be hugs, kisses and cuddles, and then quiet with my partner. A different quiet than when alone. I look forward to it.