I HAVE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE BELIEVING IN D.I.Y.
DO IT YOURSELF
SOMETIMES IT WORKS IN MY FAVOUR, SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T
SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS BETTER TO ASK FOR A BIT OF HELP...
But that is diverging
THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT BEING A SINGLE PARENT
THERE'S A LOT TO SAY
I was a young adult in the nineties D.I.Y. UK scene. We put on parties, made festivals, lived in squats and vehicles and believed in doing it all ourselves. Our ethos was anarchic and there's a lot of talk on Steemit about Anarchy, so I just thought i'd point that out. Anyway, we preached self reliance and that seemed to make sense for me. It filtered through to all areas of life including, for me, relationships.
I was never really going to go out and find a stable relationship in which to start a loving family.
It was my eldest sons sixteenth birthday this week. I organised his birthday alone. I can't believe he's sixteen. I was saying all day ;
" I can't believe he's sixteen!"
But I was saying that on my own.
I have been a single parent for sixteen years. Not a Lone parent, his father's there somewhere in the picture, but definitely a single parent.
I parent in the singular.
I have had other relationships,of coarse. I'm in a relationship now. I was with someone else long enough for him to father two more children for me. BUT, I haven't kept the fathers and they definitely haven't kept me! Ha!Ha!
There is a lot of stigma attached to being a single parent, despite the fact that something like a quatre of families in the UK are.
Is it something we choose to do?
Of coarse, plenty of people do choose to have a baby alone. There's many reasons to do so .I won't list them all here. One of the reasons is perhaps that it's easier to have sole control of your childs life. To be able to make any decisions yourself. We are so trained to be non reliant on others in life.
My parents are now seperated, but I grew up in a nuclear family. I might have repeatedly urged my mother to leave my father, because he was a bit verbally mean to her, but what did I know about the intricacies of marriage? They certainly were't a terrible role model for me, they were no less together than anyone else's parents. Seemingly.
So why did I not choose to recreate that?
I have always been a dreamer and I did fantasize about my future wedding, as a child. It involved a lot of detail about dancing, bare foot in a wedding dress with wild flowers in my hair.
I don't remember anything about the man I thought up to marry. He probably would have come to the scene bare chested, bare back on a black stallion. Oh no, sorry, getting mixed up, that's my fantasy now! As a child there was no man. I was simply running through a cornfield with the sun on my face, wearing a wonderful, full skirted, lacey Tess of the D'urbivilles number. (mind you, Tess of the D'urbervilles didn't exactly have a cheery story with men.)
I didn't have any education about what marriage might be. Just the photographic image of the wedding day itself. Is it really any different now? Are kids educated about relationships now?
There was a fashion in my late teens for wearing wedding dresses to parties. I bought one from Camden market in London and became Courtney Love in it.
I wore it ripped up with smudged eyeliner and para boots. My dress would have a constant black rim around the bottom of it from trailing it on the ground. I have a vivid memory of my beautiful and now very sadly, deceased friend Tara stamping up and down on it, washing it in a bathtub. A moment, please,for my lovely friend, also a single mother, amongst other things.
I AM A SINGLE MOTHER, AMONGST OTHER THINGS..
I NEVER DID GET MARRIED.
At first I expected Prince Charming to come along. I had my eyes open. He was never in that train carriage. He never bumped into me, made me drop my school books, then met my eyes as we both stood slowly up.
Others came and went. Some were gorgeous. Some were kind. Some were insane. A LOT WERE INSANE.
It was what I wanted deep down.
DEEP DOWN, I KNEW I WANTED TO BE A MOTHER, THOUGH, NO MISTAKE
I had always had a biological urge to be a mother. I loved babies. I loved children. I was good with them without really trying.
I wanted to be a mother.
My feelings about being a mother were strong and clear and real. I knew about babies. I had babysat all my life and worked with children and looked after my nephews.
My feelings about partners were all based in fantasy land.
I was a modern woman, a free spirit. I was anti -this and anti- that, but I was pro- woman.
When I left university, I formed an all female theatre group called Shelanagig.(spelt wrong because my friend doing admin was dyslexic.) We toured Europe with an image of a Sheila-na-gig on the side of our trucks.
WE WERE FEMINISTS
And we all wanted babies.
I wasn't into girls, but the others were from time to time. We all wanted babies and we all had babies in the end. There wasn't much talk of meeting husbands and starting families. We wanted to really feel and know what it was like to give birth.
In our Anarchic, feminist world of trucks, parties, circus and physical theatre, there wasn't much time for family.
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
I'm not keen on Disco, but I will always get dragged onto the dancefloor for that one.
So the men I had babies with weren't really family material.
Well, I had my first child and my life changed.
I was desperate to stay with the father. Desperately, suddenly, for someone to love me. Well, he couldn't do that. He was at that stage, a damaged soul. I had a tricky pregnancy, to say the least, trying to make it work inside an abusive relationship.
But then something magic happened.
I retreated into a corner of the room, pushed everyone away and gave birth to my baby.
I fell in love instantly like I knew I would. I had never been so happy in my life and within a month I had packed all my things and left the babyfather.
And so followed a blissful first year.
Some close friends had babies, too and they helped so much in their shared experience and emotional support that I didn't really need anyone else.
After the first year, things started to get trickier. I wanted to do things with my life, but felt compelled to stay in the area so the dad could have a chance to be a dad. I was sympathetic to his tales of growing up without a father himself and the damage he felt it caused him. He has indeed grown into a good parent. He has been consistant and always there.
BUT, HE JUST HASN'T BEEN THERE FOR ME. He hasn't been available to co-parent with me. We have done things very seperately.........and he hasn't paid me a penny.
AAH..the financial aspect to single parenthood....
It's not easy trying to finance yourself and have a dependant child that wants your time.
Anyway, to cut a long and diverging story short, I went on to form another unsuccessful relationship that, within the speed of light, produced two more children. I had been a single parent once and knew my emotional life would be easier on my own. There were a lot more love and cuddles in our small family when there wasn't a man around being grumpy about me not fulfilling his needs too. That sounds superficial, but it isn't. I was exhausted and wanted to put my energy into creating a loving, warm home for three boys under six, not into having arguments.
I went it alone. Alone was where I felt easiest. I just hadn't expected our relationship to work.
We are raised to be Superwomen. To hold down an interesting and well paid job, whilst breastfeeding for two years and being a diaper free, hands on woman. We are not taught how to form relationships at school and it's often a mistake to follow our examples, our own parents. We are expected to be financially independant, because men are starting to do some child rearing too.
I love the idea of family. i'm just not certain it always works. A family can only work with outside help from the community and hopefully extended family. We are taught to be so isolated in our family groups. So financialy self sufficient. So emmotionaly self sufficient. It's such a strain on such a delicate thing.
I AM A SINGLE PARENT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF.
I AM PROUD OF BEING D.I.Y.
Sixteen years of single parenthood is a long time. Please celebrate me. Raise a glass to my achievement.
