Hi Steemers, I want to share something personal and dear to my heart in hope I can help others going through the pain I am enduring. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am new to this. I am not sure what content to post at times, but I am going to follow my heart and tell you my story and more importantly what I have learnt. I just hope my words are as powerful as the inspiration I hope to provide. Anyway . . .
I was in a two year relationship. It was my first real relationship, and it was somebody I met at a party. The first six months were amazing, things between us both were care free, there was a lot of sex, he was endearing, I could not ask for more.
After six months I began to notice a change within him, I felt like he was keeping something from me. I cannot explain how I knew . . . maybe it’s a woman sense. He confessed, he told me that he really likes me, can see it going somewhere, however there was things he was keeping from me. Initially, I thought he had played me for a fool and that he had cheated or was seeing somebody else. I was thankfully incorrect. He told me that he suffered from depression, anxiety, drug related problems and that he did not want me to feel the effects of his behavior. He told me, his anxiety was the reason why he was often reluctant to go out in public together, do things that couples do and so on. He also told me he had not told anybody this before and I was the first.
Now, when I heard I was the first he had ever told . . . I could never bring myself to end the relationship when he went and put his neck on the line to tell me. I told him, I would be here for him, support him, help him overcome his issues so he can be happy within himself. In doing so, we got closer together and told each other we loved one another for the first time.
In the next 3 months in particular, I tried my best to help. I bought him cognitive behaviour therapy books, listened to all his past trauma, got him counselling, helped him get out of a crime, I did my very best to be there for him. In return, as my efforts peaked, his dramatically reduced. He stopped being enduring, and began to take liberties. Therefore, I took a step back and told him the relationship became too intense. I knew it could not go the way it was before, but I told him I wanted it to be more fun and not so deep and intense, especially had it not even been a year together. Although he signed up to going back to light hearted-ness, he always resorted to tell me every dark thing going through his mind, it was as if I became his counselor.
I felt bad, I thought there was no way I could leave him, it would crush him. However, at the same time I was not happy at all. My focus on him was taking a toll on other aspects of my life. The love absent from him was really taking me to a dark place. Everything got worse when I found out he was talking to other girls, I was livid! He was flirting with other girls when he could not flirt with me, he was having fun conversations with other girls, when he was draining me! So I left his dead beat ass for the first time, and I started to regain control of myself again. Not a few days after he would text me “How can you leave a depressed person” “you’re a bad person” etc etc . . . which really made me feel bad. He would play on my emotions to get him back.
Like a fool I did, and even though he promised change, the same pattern resumed which made me absolutely miserable. A year had gone past and I was becoming a shell of myself, my friends were telling me he was draining me, but like a fool I was adamant to help him, as everyone else in his life had bailed on him. Receiving no birthday gift, no happy anniversary I could feel the relationship taking a serious toll on me. The love I was trying to save was slowly killing me. Approaching our two year anniversary, I heard personal news that my father was seriously ill. He had been diagnosed with arthritis. When I went to look for consolation from my ‘love of my life,’ he told me that I had too much going on, and that we were basically over! Needless to say, I was devastated, broken, I felt betrayed, humiliated, and worthless.
Long story short, I chased him and we was on and off for a while. Until one day, I found out that within one year of our relationship he was cheating on me with somebody else. Whilst I was investing in him to be happy, he was investing in another woman. Not only that, I also heard that they were going out in public together from time to time and that they even went on holiday after we broke up. Now my fellow steemers, let me tell you this . . . I am no side chick! I was the perfect girlfriend! But when I heard this it really put things to perspective.
I realised his true colours. I realised that he was not the vulnerable, lonely person he perceived. But a master manipulator who used mental disorders and emotional blackmail just so he could have a kind heart to throw his pain upon. When I heard he was cheating on me, I learnt sooo many valuable principles to a relationship:
- Leave when the negative outweigh the positives
- You cannot fix anybody, they can only fix themselves. And if you help them they will always rely on you.
- You have no obligation to anybody’s happiness but yourself.
- Always follow your gut
- If your friends tell you it is a bad relationship then get out.
- Do not listen to words, observe action.
Hearing he cheated on me was the best thing I heard in years. It showed me that my help towards him, my love for him was not the issue as he had me believe. But he was the problem. Him cheating on me showed me I did not know him well enough, and that made him die in my heart.
I no longer felt any sense of obligation towards him, I no longer felt the need to be there for him. I was free! And if you do not feel free in a relationship then my Steemers something is wrong!
So there it is, it took a lot of bravery to write this blog. But I want to inspire, I want others, not only females but males sharing a similar pain to me, to know there is a way out. Love yourself before you love others, that way you will not accept a love any less than you deserve.