I used to meditate. It was powerful for a while. It's time to do it again. This is an experiment for love. I will meditate every day and write. We'll see what happens. Sometimes, I won't post what I write for reasons you can guess but I promise I will meditate every day.
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July 22, day 23. Last night was like waking up from a dream. Instantly I saw how fucked up I've become.
At first I told myself I've been selfish and stupid. I started making demands. I will change. I must change.
But demanding change is the kind of behaviour that made my mind so messy. The breath unconsciously becomes shallow as I enter a dream of what I want or don't want to happen. I get lost in fantasy.
I measure the past, want a better future, and ignore what I have. When something happens that I don't like, I get upset. Then I find a new attitude, a perspective that makes me feel better until I get upset again. It's the same psychological activity repeated over and over.
There is inattention to what is in front of me.
I miss how I've hurt someone's feelings or how they were trying to compliment me. I miss everything except what I'm dreaming.
There is an action that can be taken that refreshes the mind. It's an action that is a non-action.
If there is an action being taken to meditate, whether by watching my thoughts, controlling breath, or whatever the method, then meditation cannot take place. Meditation only occurs when I see my own psychological behaviour and understand the implications of my actions.
Last night it occurred for the first time in while.
I started waking up from dream states. Trauma surfaced, was seen clearly, was understood and released until I stopped seeking something better and sank into undivided attention.
I gave undivided attention to my breath, to the wind through the window, to the sun on my face, all the muscles holding tension, the carpet under my feet, the smell of wet dog . . . This attention was uncontrolled and un-enforced.
This was the beginning of meditation. The brain could heal for a moment and clarity allowed perception of a profound nature. Observing this moment, the weight of a new energy blanketed the heart and silenced the mind.
Without dream states, depression can't exist.
But these are just words. It has to be done, not by trying to silence the mind or trying to do anything. This would just be a continuation of always seeking something better.
The whole world can trade and compare their dreams, arguing over which is true. The most popular fantasy wins.
So you can agree or disagree, tell me how I'm right or wrong, but it would be like if an alien came to Earth and tried to describe his home world in English, and the foremost alien expert says, "Interesting idea. I agree with some of the things you say but disagree with that other thing you said. Overall, a good concept."
The alien would stare blankly in confusion, "I am painting a picture for you. The words I use may not be correct. My home is something real which you can only see if you go there yourself."
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