The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Seven

This is a candid recollection of my memories working at Kwiksave (the now defunct discount supermarket chain) as a ‘Stock Lad’.

I wasted over FOUR years of my life in this horrible dump, and still wake up with nightmare's occasionally thinking I'm still there.

Some of the names have been slightly changed simply to save my arse in case anyone takes offence at some of the details regarding my facts or opinions. Many of the people mentioned are now dead as this happened so long ago, but their siblings are not.

This will be a multi-part article as there is simply too much to tell in one sitting. I hope you find it as entertaining as I found recalling it from my brain.

Other articles in the series:
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part One
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Two
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Three
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Four
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Five
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Six

Source

‘Some kids are best left to fend for themselves, and others were born to stack shelves’ – Steven Wilson

The Dire Period – September 1982

It was announced to us one day that a new permanent manager would be joining the Rawtenstall branch and with him a new stock lad, both of them moving from the Oldham branch.

Now Oldham is at least 25 miles away from Rawtenstall, so what was this stock lad thinking, travelling all that way every day for the mere peanuts offered as a wage?

I calculated it was at least THREE buses each way, and the time it would take to arrive for 9am would mean a very long day, as well as the bus fare’s incurred.

Sure enough David Dire arrived and with him the new stock lad, Martin. Martin was great, a big strapping lad of over 6 feet, curly dark hair and a great personality; so far so good.

Dire however was far from ideal. He insisted he be called Mr Dire; no first names allowed as that was not respectful. He was a big fat bloke who had not seen his toes in years, and walked bow-legged as though he had been forced to use his legs too early with a very distinct waddle.

Martin told me that himself and some other stock lads from the Oldham site used to mimic his walk while marching behind him. This was somewhat like ‘One Step Beyond’ by Madness while quickly feigning innocence if Dire happened to stop, look round and apparently notice.

Source

I quickly bonded with Martin. He was into his music especially Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark who I was a fan of, but he introduced me to The Eurythmics and China Crisis.

At this point in time I had never heard of The Eurythmics as this was before their massive single which was going to make them a household name. I was intrigued by their sound and at the time, only hit, Love is a Stranger which failed to make an impact on the UK charts around November 1982.

This guy know about them before they were big, that was way cool for me!

Welder seemed to get on with Martin; Sid, Clive and even dopey Mike from the upstairs CarpetSave hit it off.

The original checkout girls had rotated somewhat in the last few months.

Sharon, my dreamboat supervisor had left without saying goodbye, Marianne had left to open up a sandwich shop within close proximity of the store and Linda had also vacated.

New blood was to arrive in the shape of ‘Cheese and Onion’, a middle aged woman who didn’t talk to us and emitted a rather pungent odour which christened her with this very fitting nickname.

‘Darts’, was a stocky girl in her twenties who wore those reactolite glasses that were popular in the 80’s, frequented the pubs often and used to boast her exploits of getting pissed every night. She liked to play Darts and also used to hang off the back of Motorcycles when she ‘got off’ with the local greasers. We intermittently called her ‘Bikes’ for this reason.

Source

‘Girl’ was I think a YOP checkout operator, who acquired her name courtesy of Welder. To say there was little up there was an understatement. This one could barely speak, never mind communicate.

‘Darts’ had a big crush on Martin and I remember seeing him looking rather forlorn in ‘The Bishop Blaze’ pub with the checkout girls’ head resting against his shoulder at some works get together. It was an optimistic move by the beer guzzling, bike hitching greaser fan, and was doomed to fail from the word go.

He didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth, but I believe she got the message rather quickly.

Then another girl appeared, and this one was a real babe. Tracy reminded me of Clare Grogan from Altered Images, a little wild but very desirable.

Source:

In fact so desirable that myself, Welder, Martin and dopey Mike were all positively drooling over this new gorgeous ‘Till Totty’ that had suddenly appeared before our eyes and was arousing our masculine hormones.

I didn’t take long for Martin to use his charms on Tracy. I was far too shy to approach this visual goddess, Welder too pungent (he didn’t wash much) which left dopey Mike as the only other valid contender.

Mike had a real crush on Tracy and was severely pissed off when Martin managed to ‘score’ and took her out on more than one occasion. The next thing we were hearing is that Tracy indeed was wild in bed and had a rose tattoo on her left tit.

We were all a little gobsmacked at this news. Girls simply didn’t have tattoos in 1982, never mind ones in such places!

However, wild Tracy was gone as quickly as she arrived; the reason was shrouded in mystery. Was it that tattoo? Martin became a little subdued, while Mike had seemingly wakened from his eternal slumber and was now constantly scowling at Martin.

I don’t think they ever spoke to one another again. Normality had returned to the workplace and tedium was about to set in again.

To be continued...

All stock photographs I have used are filtered as ‘Labelled for reuse’ or 'Labelled for noncommercial reuse' and the sources have been cited.