Incels (involuntary celibates) are roughly defined as men who believe that genetics, society, and women have somehow collectively conspired against them, resulting in their complete lack of any romantic or sexual experience with the opposite sex. Like random blips on a radar, it’s all too easy to view these men as outliers and the horrible acts they have done as disconnected, freak incidents. However, mentally stapling “VILLAIN” signs on their foreheads before brushing them off as societal rejects will only allow this defeatist incel philosophy to fester in the minds of more young boys. The time for pointless finger-pointing must end if we hope to examine where we went wrong in terms of raising resilient and confident men.
Men have always been historically recognised as the sex that is supposed to overcome whatever odds are thrown their way. In the times of knights and kings, the inconsequential brutality of the period was matched in magnitude with a sacred code of honour and duty: chivalry. This demanded uncompromising self-sacrifice as knights were called to practice unquestioning loyalty to both their country and the Church, cruelty against infidels, and generosity for their less-privileged brethren. In exchange, knights were rewarded with the coveted recognition of their king, the safety of their family, admiration from female royalty and common folk alike, and immortality through songs and legends.
As time passed and society progressed towards the times of classy top hats and wooden canes, the loose tenets of chivalry gradually morphed into an unsaid but generally understood code of gentlemanly behaviour. However, as mastery over broadswords and broad-tipped arrows made room for acute awareness as to when to open doors and make offers to pay for the cheque, the theme of male self-sacrifice arguably remains the same. In fact, this trend hauntingly becomes more prominent once we examine the professions men are socially conditioned to take.
While the necessity for knights became obsolete over time, the degree to which men put their lives at stake hasn’t. Soldiers, miners, loggers, and oil rig workers — all male-dominated professions — are still largely considered as highly dangerous lines of work. This trend has led to statistics consistently showing that men still comprise over 90% of workplace fatalities. In light of this, isn’t it strange that an issue about literal life and death barely gets as much traction in the media as the supposed legitimate sexual allegations made against men?
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 4,836 workplace deaths were reported in 2015. Among those deaths, 4,492 were men and 344 were women. In other words, men comprised over 93% of workplace deaths that year.
Society has spent decades making up for the shortcomings previous generations had when it came to the general perception and treatment of women as mere sexual objects. In comparison, barely any amount of recognition is made to the fact that men are still being raised to become glorified success and sacrificial objects. And, instead of being rewarded with songs and legends about their feats of sacrifice, men must now also bear brunt of “dumb and lazy father” stereotypes perpetuated by the media.
And if that wasn’t enough, men must now also tolerate listening through rants about female insecurities without any expectation of reward, lest they be labelled as pigs and mere sexual animals (which, in line to nature’s design, men will always be). No matter which way you cut it, men will always be valued for their capacity to lead and provide security while women will always be valued for their physical beauty and capability to birth and raise healthy children.
Women are the gatekeepers towards male sexual gratification in the same way that men are the gatekeepers towards female emotional security. This is why men must learn how to protect their time and attention in the same way that women protect their bodies and sexuality. Thinking otherwise and resorting to treating yourself as an emotional tampon will only increase your disposability, lower your sexual market value, and leave you with a regretful case of blue balls.
A large shift has taken place in how we raise young men and prepare them for the challenges that they will inevitably face. Sadly, we as a society has shifted so far off course that simply pointing out the problem has become taboo. However, a conversation must be started if we hope to empower young men and give them the tools they need to lead confident and purposeful lives.
We have feminised young boys while expecting them to take on life’s struggles as how men are supposed to do: by the chin.
The decades we have spent prioritising women’s issues have deluded us into thinking that male issues are either non-existent or could be resolved in a similar feminine fashion. We teach men that expressing feminine values in times of need will naturally lead to the societal reward that most women benefit from: sympathy. However, we forget that men — just as how nature designed us to become — will always have to bear the brunt of life’s blows head on, on our own.
A boy’s journey towards manhood will always be that of a road filled with painful rejection, quiet suffering, and consistent self-reliance. It is a cross that a young man must learn to bear alone. Telling him otherwise will only mislead him and build false expectations that will inevitably be broken by the harshness of reality.
While incels can be seen as mere outliers that have gone on the deep end, they are also young men who have simply given up on improving themselves. No young man grows and aspires to be an incel by choice. And as much as how society is too lazy and hateful to admit it, all incels started off the same way as any other successful male celebrity out there: as young men brimming with potential. While it could be a freak combination of circumstances that bring these young men towards their breaking point, solely focusing on these random variables does nothing in solving the problem. On the other hand, focusing on a potential cause that’s far more tangible, such as the deprivation of masculine guidance for boys, could be the first step that we need to take in order to transform incels into confident, successful men.
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