Good lord, I faltered. I tried to reach out to those who needed me, or who I thought needed me but they didn't need me, they wanted what I could give them. They didn't want to bond with me, be friends with me, no. They just wanted what my name, my wealth, my connections could afford them.
Despite all of these things; these expensive toys, houses and cars, these smiling faces waiting for me to die, I have no peace, nothing. I have not felt love from any of these people who claim shared blood, shared name or even shared faith. I am alone.
Who do I go to with this pain? Those that were true to me, I have pushed away believing them to be fickle and fake, seeking to deprive me of joy and love. Where are they now? I don't know but I wish they were here in this dark room, laughing and making fun, calling me names as we reminisce on the girls who used to love us.
I wish they were as I lie alone, drowning in my own faeces and piss, waiting for death to cease my throat and choke me, even as those I called my own swill gin and squeeze the strange buttocks of hungry girls in my sitting room. I have failed.
I have failed to be a friend, a father, a husband, a son. I have failed at the most important of a the jobs that I ever held and now i am alone with no one to call my friend, no one.
When will morning come? For I am tired of this darkness. When will death come, for I am tired of this pain. I wish I was young again. I wish I was strong again. There is so much I would have done. Well, my time is done, yours is just about to start.
Do well to know your true friends, never forget family, always support mother and father as they seek their own ending, give as much as you can and expect nothing, love with everything, never forget to pray, eat and exercise your body and never end a day with anger in your heart. Peace.