" Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. "-Esther Perel
We’ve bought into the belief early on that monogamy is the one, only, and correct way to love. Perhaps because we have never been offered a concurrent model to approach romantic relationships. However, with time comes changes, and some of these changes may come to put into perspective the existing state of affairs of different domains of life.
Monogamy looks like the American dream on paper, I’ll give you that, but in real life it is quite the catastrophe. Divorce rate is rampant, so are infidelities, and on top of that chronical marital unhappiness is no longer the exception, but rather the rule. Marriage is an avenue that comes with high costs, both literally and proverbially. While the possibility of rewards may be high too, so are the risks that venturing into such an endeavor entails.
Love is a choice, and with any choice comes a price – the one being of sacrificing other desires to focus solely on the choice we’ve made. With any choice we make, there will be times where it may be more difficult to want to commit wholeheartedly to the decision we’ve made X number of time ago, for Y number of factors.
Romantic relationships are a great example to illustrate that precise matter. When confronted with conflicted desires in the love department, some make the mistake of trading what they want the most for what is more enticing to them in the moment. In such cases, the mistake may be fatal and ultimately lead to the dissolution of the partnership.
We may all want the dream love type of love, but few could claim they are fully willing to step outside of their own personal bubble of self-interest to make it possible. Polyamory is an alternative model of romantic love, but that does not mean that it offers a solution to our problematic ways in love. It rather offers a new perspective – a new way to embrace the complexities of human relationships.
Instead of putting our conflictual needs and desires on hold for the sake of the well-being of a relationship – the polyamorous way of loving proposes to explore these needs and desires, perhaps with other parties who share the same lifestyle.
While I believe this model of love fits very well for the individualistic lifestyle that most people want to lead, it goes without saying that it does not come free of problems. It may also reinforce the belief that people tend to jump into things for themselves, first and foremost. The moment they don’t portray the relationship as being beneficial to them, the whole narrative changes.
Now the question is, should we fully embrace our inherent selfishness and choose a style of relationship that allows us to getting all of our needs met, while challenging us to become better communicators, and more in touch with our own emotional world and the ones of others (which I believe is what consensual non monogamous relationships can bring us to do) – or should we rather keep on looking at the monogamy way of loving as the one and only way to love – even if it fails more than the majority of couples to this day?
Or perhaps, another option would be to dive deep within ourselves to discover who we are as a human being, and what we desire most out of love. The answers we come up with on our search may shed light on what kind of romantic partnership would be the best fit for us.
