''Once you’re an addict, you’re always an addict, so just because I found something good to do doesn’t mean I’m not going to hurt myself doing it. '' -Jeff Tweedy
That quote you just read… is just…. wow…. hits me so deep.
These words make sense of the pain of addiction so well.
Even though I personally have not lived with an addiction to a substance, it did not make the pain feel any less real.
Any type of addiction comes with a high cost, and the worst one being death.
I think that as human beings, we are somewhat wired to become addicted to things.
Not to mention that we live in a culture that persuaded us, a long time ago, that we are only one step away from feeling happier, looking prettier, having better sex, better marriage, name it.
I often talk about the overly present stigma in the mental health department, but it goes without saying that it is as equally present in the world of addiction.
I always start with the same premise, that is that most of the times, people have a hard time understanding an illness at a deeper level, unless they have been through it themselves.
However, the truth is that anyone – really – can become an addict.
Most of the times, it’s only a matter of circumstances.
And unfortunately, we do not all have the luck of choosing how we have been brought up into this world. I have met many individuals in my life who have been raised or perhaps, who had to raise their own selves as kids, growing up with parents coping with alcohol or drug addiction. And as much as I think of myself as an empathetic person, it does not apply when it comes to this specific case. I have seen how profound the wounds of growing up in such a toxic household can cause to these people, and it makes me incredibly sad and furious that such parents can put one of the worst of burdens on their own children, one that will most likely affect them for the rest of their lives.
As some of you may have guessed by the title, the 2nd step of AA is ''to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity''.
Life is unpredictable, and so is addiction.
Someone could be sober or addiction free for so long, even decades, and one day, out of the blue, the person crashes again.
It’d be cool sometimes to have a magic wand that’d do the trick, that would rewire our brain and bring us back to where it all began, but that is not how life works, unfortunately.
Just like I believe that my mental illnesses are chronic, some wounds within my soul will always remain. Sure, with time, it can, and will get better.
But some scars will always stay, no matter what. And you just gotta do your best to not fall back in the dangerous loop that once, looked so appealing.
It’s not because you have not engaged in a past addiction for long enough, that the itch is completely or forever gone.
Once again, it is only a matter of circumstances.
Sometimes, I find myself going back to the same settings that I was years ago, a completely different person then, and I can’t help myself but to revisit a thousand memories, rushing through my mind, all at once. And so I wonder what would it have been like, if I was still the same? Would I have made it through?
Maybe pleasure turns into pathology because of how hard it is to live in today’s world.
Addiction is our way of escaping reality, it’s our way to find a place that suddenly, doesn’t feel as shitty. That suddenly, feels like home.
Or it can be a way of reclaiming our power back, which ended up being my way of doing.
But I’m thankful for every bruise and each bitemark I’ve gotten along the way, as without them, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
Even though on some days, some realities I will have to live with for the rest of my life are freaking hard to accept, I remind myself that I still have so many great things inside, and outside of myself. 💟
The lowest of my lows helped me savor the highest of my highs.✪
I may have stopped the madness a while ago,
but fighting the darkness remains a daily job.
I will forever thank my angels who have looked out for me, and who picked me off the ground to make me rise again.
To anyone reading this going through something, remember that you will make it through.
There is always a prize waiting for you on the other side, so don’t give up the fight. 💖
Love you always,
Sab xoxo