As I sit here looking at where I am today, I really can't seem to put the puzzle pieces together as to how I got here.
I was such a happy little kid. Life was an adventure. Then I got into my teenage years. Life was incredible. I felt amazing! The world was at my fingertips. I had so many dreams and aspirations that I didn't even know where to start. Like a lot of people my age, I decided to not even worry about it because the future was so far away!
In my 20s I partied hard, went to lots of night clubs, traveled around the world and did whatever I felt like, really. I worked too, but if was just to support the enjoyment of my life. Then I met the love of my life at age 30, we moved in together and had lots of adventures together for about 5 years. Life was one adventure after another!
Then something happened. Someone very close to me got deathly ill. Then another person got sick. Then my grandmother died. Then my other grandmother died. Then my grandfather died. Then my wife's mother died. Then my cousin got cancer. Then my dog died. Then I lost the will to exercise and got fat. My wife got fat. I looked in the mirror and realized that I was in my 40s. My hair had gone half grey and I no longer recognize the face in the mirror.
While my wife was dealing with the sudden death of her mother from pancreatic cancer, we lost our major work contracts. We went from making $250k a year to 30k over the course of 2 years. We had to sell our house and move into a small apartment.
Last year I had a glimmer of hope and started buying up this amazing stuff called cryptocurrency. I used the last remaining cash that I had in the hopes that somehow my luck was going to turn around. For a while, I felt like things were really going great! I bought all kinds of alt coins with all kids of amazing promises. I watched a $10k investment go all the way up to $950k by December of 2017. I thought, man, another $50 and I've got a million bucks. I can finally retire and turn this story of my miserable life around.
Then January came. I watched like some kind of deer in headlights as my investment free-fell for 12 months until today where it sits at a $3000 value. Why I never sold, only God can explain.
I just don't know what to do with this life anymore. How do you move on and start over with everything in your mid 40s? I can't see anything better moving forward. All I can see is more deaths of loved ones, aging and death for myself, and even scarier the loss of my wife someday. I am so damn depressed I just don't know what to do. I have completely lost all purpose in life.
I know that no one comes on Steem to hear people whine about their problems. Everyone has their own problems. But what the hell. I guess I will just use this as my anonymous diary.
Here's to hoping that I can find some kind of purpose moving forward. God help me, it sucks here in the dark.