How many people do you know who had someone calling them "Grandma" when they were only 23? That Grandma was me!

What the Heck is a May/September Romance, Anyway?

I call it a May/September romance, because, while my husband IS older than me by well over a decade, he isn't so much older as to look like my grandfather. So, instead of May/December, as people often call relationships where one partner is a lot older than the other one, I call it a May/September. 

My Husband Has a Lot of Kids....Something He Took His Time Telling Me When We Were Dating

I think he didn't want to scare me off by revealing his numerous children right away. When we first started dating, I was a senior in college, and he was this mysterious musician who was well-known locally, but who didn't go by his real name. 

I didn't even find out his real name until we'd been dating for a month. He only revealed it after he felt like he could trust me. He didn't want me ruining his carefully created local musician persona that made him a sought-after act at all the popular venues.

He didn't tell me his age until we'd been dating about three months. This information was held back as long as he could (also so as not to scare me off). He had a lot of things he wanted to ease me into.

Discovering Kid #1

The first kid I found out about was actually his second kid. He kind of had to tell me about him, because the kid lived with him. 

I was surprised he had children. The fact that his son was 12 years old surprised me even more, because this new man I was dating didn't look old enough to have a child that age. I did mental calculations, and decided he couldn't be more than 29 or 30 years old, even with a 12 year old son (remember, I didn't know his real age yet, and I didn't want to ask, because I thought it was rude).

Discovering Kid #2

The second kid I learned about was actually his third child. I saw a hand-drawn and crayon-colored calendar on his wall, signed by the name of a boy who was not the son who lived with him. When I asked him about it, he said his other son drew it, with scenes of things they did together.

Since he hadn't mentioned another child, I thought maybe this was a kid who died or something. Turns out, he was alive and well, and living with his mother, my boyfriend's second wife, a few miles away.

Discovering Kid #3

Kid #3 for me was actually his youngest child. I met this boy on his 8th birthday, when I was spending the weekend at my boyfriend's house, and his mom came by with him to pick up the son (from his first wife) who was living with him. 

I'd been dating my boyfriend for about three months at this point, and he was drip-feeding the existence of those kids to me. There was still one more to go.

Discovering Kid #4: The Most Surprising Kid of All

Kid #4 was his eldest child and only daughter. I didn't actually meet her until our wedding eight months later. But, I found out about her when she revealed she was pregnant.

While we were dating, I spent most weekends at his house, because I had a temp, maternity leave fill-in job for a U.S. senator in another city. I spent the week elsewhere, and the weekends with him. One weekend, he was pensive, which was unusual for him at the time (it became normal for him later). When I asked what was up, he told me his daughter was pregnant.

Me, My Step-Daughter, and Step-Granddaughter, About a Year After I Married into the Family

Wow! Okay. I didn't know he had a daughter, much less one old enough to be pregnant! And I still didn't know how old HE was. At this point, I finally asked the age question. It turns out, he was 15 years older than me, when I thought it was more likely seven or eight years older at most. And, his daughter was only five years younger than me. I was in Kindergarten when he became a father! 

I was a little freaked out. Just a bit. But, I didn't show it. I didn't want to scare HIM off at that point. 

Even though there was a lot about him he kept secret until he HAD to tell me, I was madly in love with him by then, and knew I wouldn't leave him, even if he WAS drastically older than I imagined, and had a litter of children by two different women.

Becoming the Youngest Step-Grandma Ever

His daughter was eight months pregnant when I finally met her at our wedding. Because of the closeness in age between us, we decided to be "sisters" rather than step-mother/step-daughter. This was decided as people were arriving at the wedding, before the "I do's" were said. My soon-to-be husband wasn't exactly happy with this, as he wanted me to be a mom to all of his kids, but he understood why his daughter and I did what we did.

My hippie wedding, where I was basically a child bride....the kid on the end is my youngest step-son.

A month after we got married, and two months after I turned 23, his daughter gave birth to a daughter of her own. Even though the two of us were sisters, we decided it would be too confusing for her daughter to have a grandfather married to an aunt. So, I would be a grandmother. 

When asked what we preferred to be called as grandparents, my husband and I both said "Grandma and Grandpa," mainly because it was simple and traditional, and the other grandparents all had other names they desired to be called. So, "Grandma and Grandpa" were up for grabs, and we took them.

Having Fun With Grandma-hood

My friends seemed to think it was hilarious that I was a grandmother, and enjoyed teasing me by calling me "Grandma" themselves. So, I got into the fun, too. It WAS kind of funny. You don't find grandmothers in grad school every day, you know.

I started telling strangers and co-workers at my university about my granddaughter. You should have seen their faces as they made what were clearly mental calculations of how this could possibly be. Was I like 11 or 12 when I had a child, and was that child the same age when she had hers? It was the only way it could work.

The relief on their faces when I gave the reveal of it being a step-relationship was hilarious.

I also used my "Grandma" status in a training session for new teachers a few years later, when we were asked to write down something interesting about us on a slip of paper. The paper was collected and the secrets read aloud. It was our job as trainees to guess which secret belonged to which person. 

I wrote, "I have a granddaughter" on my paper. As you might guess, I was one of the last people in the class to have my secret guessed and associated with me.

Being Thrown into the Insta-Family Pool Before I Knew How to Swim

There's that old technique of teaching a kid to swim by throwing them in the water. I'm so glad no one ever did that to me, because the water freaks me out. Two years of swimming lessons as a kid, and every summer spent hanging out at the YMCA pool with my friends, and I NEVER learned how to swim more than a bit of a splashy dog paddle. 

I'm pretty sure something bad happened to me with water in a previous life. Then again, my mom and her mom can't swim, either, so maybe it's a multi-generational past life karma thing.

Anyway, being thrown into this insta-family at only 23 years old was kind of like being thrown into a pool to learn to swim. Not only did I have my granddaughter, who, in spite of the humor I indulged in regarding the situation, I actually did love. I also had my husband's eldest son living with me full-time. 

I was responsible for being a custodial mom to a teenager, when I was barely out of my teens myself. And, his two youngest sons spent every other weekend with us, most holidays, and significant chunks of their school vacations. 

I was part of the Brady Bunch, only without my own kids to bring into the picture.

This is essentially what I married into.

"Keeping Your Head Above Water, Making a Wave When You Can"

Those lyrics from the theme song to the 1970's TV show, "Good Times" quite accurately describe those first few years of being married for me. 

My first and main concern was learning how to be a mom to the son who lived with us. At the time, his bio mom wasn't in the picture much. She'd cancel on times she was supposed to get him to go stay with her, and often brought him back to us early when she DID pick him up. Like me, she was newly married to her fourth husband, and having a kid around cramped her style, I suppose.

It's not like it didn't cramp my newlywed style, either. I REALLY had to get used to being a newlywed with a kid in the house, when I wanted to be alone with my husband just as much as my husband's ex-wife did. Only, I didn't get the option, because the kid lived with us. 

He even came on our honeymoon with us. 

My husband's older brother also came, so he was able to take my step-son and go do other things while we were on the trip, so we could have some alone time as newlyweds should. But, we were married three years before we got a proper vacation by ourselves.

While I resented having him around sometimes, I also truly wanted to be a good mom to him, since his own was content to ignore him at the time. I jumped into the role, cooking dinner for him most nights, helping him with his homework, volunteering with his chorus group at his school, and chaperoning his field trips (once was even at his request!). 

He even called me "Mom." I kind of loved that.

His two younger brothers called me "Mom2," which was also cool. I cooked for them and entertained them when they stayed with us. We went on family outings together. We went to their school and scouting activities. It was literally getting an instant family upon marriage.

No wonder I was in no hurry to have kids myself. 

By the time I WAS ready to have kids, we found out it would be really hard for me to carry a child, and that began a long and expensive fertility journey that is culminating in adoption....but, that's a story for another time.

Where We All Ended Up in This Weird and Kind of Wonderful Situation

My husband and I have been married to each other for 20 years now....longer than all of his other long-term relationships and marriages put together. Things have changed. Here's how it's all worked out for me, and the rest of the members of my insta-family.

Me and my youngest step-grandchild....I've got five of them now!

Me--In the process of adopting a child, but still hoping for a miracle biological one. There's still a small chance it could happen. I'm adopting either way.

My husband--On board with being a dad again. All four of his kids are grown, and he has five grandchildren now. He's not particularly close with any of them like he used to be, but he spends more time with some than others. I think his youngest grandchild is now his favorite of the bunch, including his kids.

My Sister/Step-Daughter--Had another child five years after the first. Married and divorced their father. Sadly died in a tragic medication mix-up at the age of 24, when her daughter was six and her son was not quite two years old. Her daughter remembers her. Her son doesn't. They were raised by my husband's first ex-wife and her husband, and have limited, but regular, contact with their dad and his new wife and son.

My Eldest Step-Son (the one who lived with us)--After being pretty uninterested in him for years, his mom was able to lure him back to living with her and her husband when he was in high school, by offering him a nicer car than the one we were offering him. My husband was so pissed, he didn't talk to his son for two years afterward. They've since made up. He lives several states away now with his wife and two kids. We rarely hear from him, but he did write a recommendation letter for us for the adoption.

My Middle Step-Son--Got a full scholarship to college, then went to grad school at an Ivy League school. Currently working for said Ivy League establishment, no kids, in a polyamorous relationship with a woman AND a man. Also lives a few states away, but visits often. He's the only one of the step-kids who still remembers my birthday, though they all still call or text me on Mother's Day.

My Youngest Step-Son--Married with one child, he is making a name for himself as a musician in the same town where my husband was once well-known as one. Basically following in his dad's footsteps. We see him and his son more often than the others, because they still live in the same state as we do, though we live in a different town than them now.

My Eldest Step-Granddaughter (the one who inspired this piece)--She's 20 years old now, gorgeous, looks just like a twin of her mom, and is doing her own thing. She still calls us Grandma and Grandpa. :)

Conclusion--Now That the Step-Kids are Grown, it's Just the Beginning of My Family Adventure

I was doing the kid thing long before most of my friends. While some of them have teenagers now, the vast majority of them who have kids at all (and a large number of them don't) have little kids, or are just starting to have babies. I have a childhood friend who is pregnant with her first child right now. We're hoping I get my baby through adoption around the same time her child is born, so they can grow up being friends like we did.

It's weird to think I helped raise three boys who are now grown, two of them with children of their own, and also have a grown step-granddaughter, when I'm just getting started on my journey of being a mom in my own right....a "primary mom," as I like to call it. 

I raised kids who were not my own, but who became like my own, when most of my friends were still out clubbing or doing online dating. 

Yet, I'm right with them in terms of starting my own family. 

Being a 23-year-old step-grandmother and full-time custodial step-mom was wild, weird, and wonderful in many different ways. Those kids and their kids still part of my family.

But, the real adventure of being a mom is just beginning.