Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.
— Walter Anderson
Over the past few weeks, we have been preparing for our senior practicum at one of the local hospitals. In the beginning, we had to fill out a paper selecting what area we are interested in working. All throughout nursing school I could never pinpoint exactly what area I wanted to work in. I really enjoyed working in the ICU but never felt like anything particular was my "calling". That was up until about a month ago.
I was working on a Children's PACU floor (Post Anesthesia Care Unit) when I encountered a young patient who was just diagnosed with leukemia and had come in for surgery. As I brought his mom back to see him, I understood every emotion on her face. Having gone though this with dad not that long ago, I could connect to her on a whole other level. It was a feeling I had not felt before.
A few days later, at one of the local hospital's recruitment lunches, I spoke to the recruiter about my personal experiences and what I wanted to get out of my nursing career. She was the first to suggest I work on an oncology unit. The one at her particular hospital took oncology patents, as well as surgical patients; so it would be a great learning opportunity. After pondering on it a few days I contacted the professor in charge of the Senior Practicum and requested to do my clinical on this unit. Come to find out, she had actually worked on this unit for sixteen years and said she would see what she could do.
Now fast-forward to this week...
I started my senior practicum on the oncology unit. I have to complete six shifts before graduation, and I was able to do two of them this week. To say the least, I love the unit. My first day went smoothly, and I learned a lot. I bonded with the staff and the patients. Overall, it was a really good experience.
On the second day, everything was going smoothly until about two hours left in the shift. We were getting a new patient from the ICU. The patient was not doing well and their family had decided to go with hospice. Not only were we admitting to the unit, but a hospice nurse would be coming up to admit them in their program.
I went with the nurse and helped get the patient admitted to the unit. Upon entering the room, I got a whole new feeling for this patient. I am always kind to my patients and treat them well, but it was like a whole new instinct kicked in. After we completed our admission, the hospice nurse came in and did his admission. As he was doing this, my nurse asked me why he was doing certain things. Of course I knew what he was doing. I had seen the same admission process back in March with my own father. That is when it felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. I was able to keep myself together around the patient and their family. I was able to take care of them and get them settled with the hospice nurse. I had done my job, even more than had been required.
Then we left the room, and I immediately started crying in the hallway; the emotions were just too great. My mind had been flooded with memories of my own father and what all we had went through together. My nurse apologized and did not realize what an impact it would have on me. After a few moments I was able to collect myself and told the nurse I was so sorry. I knew it would be hard dealing with hospice patients, but I did not know how I would react. That is when she said that it was okay and it just showed that my heart was in the right place.
I was thankful my first experience with a hospice patient was short and with another nurse. After this experience, I know I will be able to handle it better the next time. The biggest thing this experience taught me was that I was in the right place. I know without a doubt that this is my calling!
Now, if that was not enough to tell me I was in the right place, I had another experience today that reinforced it. Today, we had our multi-patient simulation at school. It is where they set up our simulation lab as an ICU and assign us our own patients. We get to act the role of the nurse while students in different programs act the other roles (respiratory therapy, doctor, nurse practitioner, pharmacy etc.). It was really an awesome learning experience for all of us involved.
I was one of the two students who were assigned two patients. My first patient scenario was a 28-year-old with a kidney stone. My other patient was a 68-year-old in end stage liver disease who's family is considering hospice. What? Is this really happening again? Of all the patient's I could have been assigned...
After receiving report, I went up to the patient going on hospice and greeted their family (graduate students who were acting). The "daughter" expressed frustration and was upset because she felt we were just wanting her father to die. BAM! Here comes that ton of bricks again. However, this time I was more prepared. I explained to her what was going on and consoled her. She said thank you and and was cooperative with me the rest of the time.
What I did not know is that the "daughter" had confronted all the students before me. It was her job to play the role of a frustrated family member needing answers. Before I left, she pulled me aside and said of all the students she had dealt with I had "by far" handled it the best. She said she even "stomped off" on another student. She praised me and said I clearly care about my patients.
Lesson learned
Life is hard. Here lately it has been really sad. I have sunk back into a round of depression and am really missing my dad. The holidays are upon us and I know that they are going to be particularly hard this year. However, I know I must do something productive with this sadness. The experiences I have had this week have taught me that I can take my sadness and use it to help others. Nursing is my calling, there is no doubt in my mind about that. What I went through with my dad will only make me a better nurse. I choose to take that sadness and turn it into a beacon to help my patients.
My challenge to you, my readers, is to take a situation in your life that leaves you sad and turn it into something greater than ourselves. From a small act of kindness to a greater deed, we can all help this world become a better place. ♥
