I know that out there in the blockchain there's a few people who are worried about me. Worried that they haven't heard from me in a few days and what they've heard from me lately hasn't been exactly optimistic. This is just a little update to say I'm still here...
If you don't know what's going on, there's some info at the bottom of the post.
To recap
This week has been rough. I've worked mostly 18 hour days to get a project ready for the client's first approval. The job won't pay out for at least another couple of weeks which is painful. I've also started on a smaller, quicker job to try to bring something in.
Saturday I tried to take some time away from the computer. I'm a big rugby fan, especially the 6 Nations. I ended up screaming at the TV as every poor decision, by players and officials, irritated me FAR more than it should have. So much so that I refused to watch the match on Sunday which, by most accounts, was the best match so far. Instead I spent most of Sunday asleep. I literally slept Saturday night, all of Sunday, woke for a couple of hours to eat then slept through to Monday morning. My body is telling me to stop but I can't afford to.
Somebody has to pay within the next 3-4 weeks we're going to be either homeless, frozen or starving.
Monday was another 18 hour day, sleep around 2am, back up at 6am and working at the PC by 6:05.
One good thing this week is that I've been taking screen breaks and in those breaks I've been digging into my comic collection. I haven't had time to read comics in nearly a year now so catching up on all the storylines is a little escapism.
Doctor doctor, I feel like I want to kill myself...
8 days. In 8 days I'll see my GP about my problems. I'll talk to someone and hope they don't shrug and tell me we all have bad days at work. What can the doctor do? I have no idea, that's the worry, but I need something. If I carry on, on my current path, one of these days I won't talk myself down.
So, in short, I'm still here. I'm still working my little butt off. I'm still a little ball of fucked up sorrow and rage. My best advice to people is if you see me, throw chocolate and painkillers at me and retreat to a safe distance...
BACKSTORY...
What are you talking about?
If you're reading this and wondering what I'm talking about (who am I kidding - no-one reads these things!) then here's a quick recap.
Towards the end of November last year I started having some very dark thoughts. Deeply unhappy and suicidal thoughts. I haven't acted on them, I haven't tried anything but some days, when the stress builds and I can't let go, I'm sorely tempted. I don't hate myself, I don't want to die, I just see it as the only way out at times.
I have stress issues. I have panic attacks. My self-worth is so far through the floor that I actually feel like a hindrance to those around me.
Why are you like this?
I wrote a long wall of text here, which I just deleted. Partly because it had a little too much personal information about our financial situation and partly because it was just too damn depressing. Usually writing it out helps, to vent and let it go. Re-reading that text was cringe-worthy, not something I want to inflict on you, dear reader.
I'm like this because financially, we're fucked.
We used to claim some support from the government, that stopped and they want 2 years worth back in a very short space of time. No, we didn't falsely claim. It stopped because my business started making more money (more, not lots... I'd still make more stacking shelves).
Will money solve my problems?
It would solve the immediate problem, it would pay the rent, put food on the table, keep the fire lit and get the kids to school each day.
Would it stop me wanting to top myself? I honestly don't know.
Yes, I'm reacting badly to this situation. I've been broke before but never with a family to support. I'll happily live off next to nothing, I'll go hungry, I'll be cold. I can't inflict that on my kids though.
What I'm going through right now is the result, I think, of years of stress, pain and anger being bottled up and my mind/body is reaching breaking point.
So am I begging for money?
Do I want your charity, no, never.
That said, I will never let me pride lead to those around me suffering. I'm not asking for anything but I know what people on this platform are like (and yes, I've already had offers). I'll make this pledge right now, anything that comes my way will be paid back when I can. I don't care if you want to give me something, I'm not accepting gifts - it will be paid back. I may consider it a loan in the interim ;)
If you find this post interesting, helpful, relevant or you think you could score some dope curation rewards (spoiler - you won't) then please do upvote it, it honestly does help.