“I will continue in the next post of my decision to take a gap year, starting waitressing and my emotional personality within considering the dimensions of lost and hope. With all of us being able to relate to lostness and hope, I will share with you my story within these all too familiar themes and what I came to realize when I enabled myself to empower myself within my own lostness and hope…to eventually stumble upon myself in a way (lol!).”
Of my group of friends, as well as extended ones, during my last two / three high school years - most knew exactly what they were going to study, who they're going to be and already started talking about the rest of their lives. Furthering their studies, walking into a career, climbing the ladder of success in a company or start their own, have a family or travel the world…the conventional self fulfilling prophecies. Whether realistic or fantastical, they had visions and dreams.
To me, it felt as though I was surrounded by friends, teachers as well as prospective universities visiting our school advertising the doors they can open for us to invest in ourselves and our future within a career - all a constant reminder of the fact that I did not have an inkling of a notion as to what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Nor did I have any future prospects I particularly foresaw myself walking into for the rest of my life. I did not know the secret password like "Open Sesame!" to open the great wide doors to the world out there into the treasures this world can offer to those who choose the 'right career paths' and have a hunger to make something of themselves, their lives.
I understood the practicality for universities, colleges coming to schools sharing and showing what they have to offer when it came to those who knew what they wanted to be and do to for the rest of their lives in terms of career, those who could obtain scholarships and, of course, afford it. However, for those who fell into the category of not knowing and/or unable to afford such a future investment - it was challenging as well as deeply saddening seeing young adults in my / other classes walking around seeing possible futures, knowing what they wanted to do and be in a career - yet not being able to afford it.
One of the many things I have come to open my eyes to in my life when it comes to creating an awareness of the fact that there can be another way in terms of giving children an equal and one opportunity to education and a future, getting to know who they are more during their educational years where there's an equal balance of learning about self, your inner niche / creative zest, the world around you and knowledge and information. However, let's continue back to memory lane…
Being amongst the handful who had no idea who they're going to be and what they're going to do for the rest of their lives, together with my own self-created emotional pressure of feeling as though I had to make a decision before I leave high school: this contributed ever the more to my increasing aloneness and sense of feeling no part of the world outside high school, my circle of friends and the comfort, security of my home. Comfort and security which, to a degree, was there in the form of having a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back and no fear of survival existing. Yet, no comfort and security in my sense of self, who I am, what I'm supposed to do and be for the rest of my life. I was lost in who I was, lost in what I was to be, where I belonged… I am certain many experience this right now inside yourself and life - with who you are and where you're at.
Thing is, we come to believe that it's our environment, the people in it and our circumstance right now contributing to creating those emotions that seem to exist in and as us, omnipresent and omnipotent - creating a veil over our eyes, our lives in a way where we don't and can't see anything more than who we are and what we experience right now. We believe that such emotions are bad, negative and depressing - because it is how we experience them, through and through…so therefore, we reason, that "it must be how it how it is", "it is who I am", "I will have to live and accept my fate within what I experience, how I feel and where I find myself in my life and my self definition".
However, reflecting on my life and having a look at the time I went through the above and how I handle such emotions to this day: I have come to understand the emotions that brought out the worst in me after my mother passed, and catapulted me into an inner conflict and emotional hell. It's unbelievable how much can change with one word and acting on it: Understanding. I was ashamed, when looking back, at the extent to which I blamed everything and everyone else for who I became, how I felt, the decisions I made during the period after my mother passed and before I met Bernard.
It was only when I understood myself through understanding my emotions and the extent of effect / impact trauma and shock can have on a person throughout the years: did I find something within me I never knew could possible exist, nor did I immediately recognize it. Only after some time of walking this process of understanding myself, my mind and looking back - did I come to realize I started experiencing something within me, a fire, that was missing from as far back as I can remember: Peace. Once I defined this experience, this fire, within me that started emerging in my process…I was greatly surprised. Of all the things I was yearning for, searching for, believing I was wanting and needing - I get peace (lol). Yet, it was the one thing a part within me was in fact desiring - although I wasn't consciously aware of it within and throughout my life. I will continue with this self-peace realization in posts to come.
For the moment, returning to the focus the experience of being lost and the polarity of hope that created an inner conflict in me…until I discovered the meaning and value of self peace.
I came to realize that my inner conflict between losntess and hope was showing me that there was something more to me, to life. I first had to help myself out of my own falling and get up. With this lifetime process of understanding I have walked, I have come to learn that emotions:
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· Teach us much deeper things about ourselves, our past that we can use in our everyday life and future to bring forth an meaningful, valuable and worthwhile change unto ourselves, others and our lives.
· When knowing how to work WITH THEM, instead of fighting against them - they are not your worst enemy.
· Can guide you into not only an understanding, but also a change within yourself that stands into your present and future self and life experience.
· Show us via 'tough love' in a way that we are not living the best we can in a given moment by reflecting what we are accepting and allowing as our self definition in thought, word and deed.
· Can be your greatest challenge, but at the same time open up a journey towards your greatest gift….and SO much more I have come to learn when looking at my relationship with emotions.
I have learned an exceptional amount from my emotions, to the extent where I now, for example, use the experience of lostness as a cross-reference for myself when I have accepted and allowed myself to internally, in my thoughts and emotions accept a lesser version of myself - making myself believe I am less capable of what I actually am. Whenever the familiar reaction of lostness is triggered within me, I know now to introspect and see where, in what moment, towards who and what etc. I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by living a lesser version of myself. Such as, for example:
· Constantly doubting myself instead of making a decision. Leading to seldom making any decisions and allowing life to just happen. Teaching myself how to transform doubt into self trust, even if a decision leads to mistakes - I know and trust I will do my best and utmost to learn from it and change.
· Procrastinating because of insecurity. Leading to things not getting done in time / me being as effective with me and time as I know I can be. Teaching myself how to transform procrastination into discipline.
Mentioning a couple examples to illustrate how I lead myself into my own lostness all those years of my life: making decisions and allowing life to happen to me within and from a lesser version of myself consisting of the worst of my emotions I was bottling up and suppressing because of not understanding them. As they say "who you are is what you create". It was only until I met Bernard and walked my own process that I truly grasped the responsibility each of us hold when it comes to how our thoughts come to dictate our decisions and so actions, which in turn, over time, slowly but surely, decisions by decision, action by action - create our lives.
It was only when I met Bernard and embarked on our journey together, that I finally understood my lostness and made sense of the hope within me that was always there, alongside the lostness. Lost and hope oddly partnered within me that as more as I felt lost, I still had the hope of me and my life changing. Never expecting the sensation of peace to be the solution to it all.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I immediately experienced peace fully, initially. Peace itself started piecing itself within me until I became a whole as a picked my pieces of self scattered in the emotional memories of my own mind and so my relationship with myself and others in my life. I am still to this day piecing myself back together again, with this inner peace being my compass as to my process of assisting and supporting myself to live the best of me.
I'll continue more in the next post ;)