I'm someone who naturally wonders about a lot of things, mostly unusual thoughts. Most times I try to put myself in some situations and wonder how I'd feel if I was actually there. Like how I'd feel if I were my mother and I had a daughter like me or to imagine how my life would be If I had an older sister or if I were a certain animal,maybe a bird. To live on trees and watch humans from a mountain.
Or like a flower to stay and wait for butterflies to visit me and for me to not know if I'd fall into the hands of appreciative humans or if I'd fall into the hands of someone who wouldn't take care of me at all, or worse, to go unnoticed and be trampled on without remorse.
I worry that I am a worrier, perhaps. I worry about the most trivial, mundane things, you wouldn’t believe. Like what would happen if I suddenly lost my eyesight and can’t read anymore. Like what if I wait until tomorrow to tell you that I am in love with you and then tomorrow never comes. Like what if we run out of salt and there’s an earthworm in the bathroom? Or more especially, what If I lose my memory tomorrow, and I can't remember what kind of person I was and I never get to remember cherished memories.
I worry that when I find love, I’d lose it. That it’ll grow tired of me. That I wouldn’t be able to keep it, feed it, nurture it. I worry that by trying to hold onto to it, I’ll clip it’s fragile wings and it’ll die. I worry that love will not be able to handle me. That one day it’ll wake up and say, you know what, I can’t keep up anymore, your moods.... Your moods are something else and it’ll pack up its things and leave.
I worry that I may not be able to see the world. I want to see the world, not just places now, the people. I want to know why white Indians hate black Indians, what it feels like to have an all night conversation with a stranger in the middle of an unknown city. I want him to tell me of his girlfriend and how he hates her family, over drinks at a bar, and I’d tell him of the things that keep me up at night. When the night ends and dawn comes, we’d sit on a rooftop and watch the sun rise. Then we will hug and part ways and say “Thanks, I’ll never forget you, I hope things work out well for you.” But the world is hard. Trust is flying out the window. Safety is often times no longer guaranteed. I still want to believe, I want to believe that these things will happen, can happen.
That one day I’ll find love. I’d find it somewhere I never imagined it would be. And this time, it’d stay.
It’s raining heavily, I’m sitting by the window watching it. I envy the water, it has tasted of both the heavens and earth. I want it to carry me on its wings and take me to all the places it’s been.