Yesterday (05/02/2018) we said our final goodbyes to a lady called Dorothy by some, Dolly by others and Mum by me (and my siblings of course)
It's been 7 weeks, coroner's reports, inquest and so on, so I've been busy answering questions I have no answer to. Not a clue. Even the funeral arranging was hard because of that. Vicar asked "what was she like, what did she like, what jobs did she do, who was her best friend?" Etc.. I dunno. I could hardly let her make a speech that said the like of "she abandoned us" or anything of the kind.
But we managed it, the vicar was diplomatically clever in her statement and I used my artistic talent... wrote a poem, made a video and everyone was suitably happy with the results. (Video link at the bottom, sorry not the best but it sufficed)
Gilroes Crematorium Leicester
Now it is done.
In the past few years I already forgave her for the fact that she abandoned me when I needed her most.
I can now try to understand or choose to forget why she wanted him over me, her abusive husband over her vulnerable daughter. She never revealed any answers, never told me her reasons.
But more than any of those unanswered questions and avoided comments I learned to live with (or live without) I can be proud that I stood in front of the family I don't know and her friends I've never known and accepted the "you did her proud" comments. I know now that even though she put me through stuff I shouldn't have had to go through on top of the crap my dad gave me, at the end I was the better person. I sent her off with love, not hate; with compassion not despising.
So, although I have my parents' genes and I had a pretty bad set of role models, whilst I am far from angelic, I am better, I have improved my lot, both materialistically and in my soul.
When it's my time, I'll be one step closer to peace a least.
And if she's watching, she'll see I haven't shed a tear for her, nor for me.
I just cry at sad songs.....
