It is a parent's delight when their children are loved and appreciated by others, especially their own parents. My family is very lucky, we have a strong family relationship and can give our son the gift of grandparents, and vice versa. But there was a time in our life when we were a little worried about introducing our son to his grandparents for the very first time, or more so, the notion of him. You see, we didn't grow our family through "the birds and the bees", we adopted our son when he was 4 months old, he came to us in a very special way.
Three and a half years ago, after 5 years of trying to fall pregnant, we made the decision to adopt. From the moment my husband and I discussed it and agreed that we were on the same path, adopting a child felt very right, like it was meant for us all along and every step guided us to that moment. But the rest of our family weren't quite on par with us yet and our first step before starting the adoption process was to let them know that their first grandchild, great grandchild and nephew/niece, would be adopted into the family.
We received all sorts of responses. Some where positive, others slightly more negative, but each one came mostly from concern. Most of our family members where somewhat taken aback when we said we were open to adopting from any race - this was probably the hardest part for them to absorb and accept. But in the end everyone wished us well and joined in on our excitement, especially my parents, they were delighted for us from day one. They not only supported our decision but loved this child we hadn't met yet as much as we did, despite his genetics, race, gender and age. They just wanted to be "granny and grandpa".
Some grandparents (and aunties and uncles too), are not as accepting or might need more time to accept a "strangers" child into their family, and it is understandable that the bond might not be instant. Not all of your family members have traveled the road that you have to arrive at your decision and also, they are usually riddled with concern for you and feel that they might need to be the ones to tread more cautiously on your behalf.
Grandparents worry, that's what they do best (we'll all have a turn at this someday)! So don't feel too disappointed when their first reaction at your adoption news is to respond with concern instead of joy. This is perfectly normal in fact. They are not against your decision, they simply need time and guidance to come to terms with it and to prepare themselves for welcoming your adopted child into the family, as if born to you.
This One's For The Grandparents: Five Things You Should Know If Your Children Are Adopting
1. Adoption has evolved.
Gone are the days where a teenage girl would mysteriously disappear to her aunt's house in the country for 9 months. Today, adoption is a very acceptable and open way of starting one's family without a scandal taking place.
2. Tell you kids that you need some time to process the news, but that you are very happy for them.
Your children have been brewing this moment for some time, they have had the opportunity to mourn the fact that they might never have biological children and they are grounded in what to expect from adoption. They are at the point where they are eagerly waiting for their child. But it is normal for you to not be on quite the same level as them yet. So instead of responding only with concern, ask them for the time you need to process the information so that you can reach the same page.
3. Prepare yourself for the questions that are certain to come.
Yup, people are inherently nosy and they are going to come to you with all sorts of questions about the adoption. You might not have the answers for them, even if you have thought about the dynamics through and through, but you can be prepared for the fact that they ARE going to come.
4. You can play a role too.
I don't just mean taking on the role of grandparent. You too can be involved in the adoption process. In fact, I urge you to do so. Help financially if you can, but more so, show interest! Ask about appointments with the social worker, meet the social worker at the home visit if you can and research adoption. This alone can open you up to the wonderful blessing adoption can be.
5. Be excited, you have so much to look forward too.
Adoption is an amazing experience if you let it be. Yes, there is often red tape, hurdles and heartache along the way. But as a whole, adoption is such a miracle for all involved and it is a beautiful and humbling way of growing ones family. There is so much to look forward too!
As I watch how lovingly my parents look at my child, I am reminded of how amazing this world is, of how God works in the most mysterious way - His plan really does have more meaning than any human being can ever construe. I am an advocate of adoption, my heart goes out to the little souls who are waiting for families of their own and at the same time, my hart aches for those who have not yet been blessed with a child - perhaps, like us, they are just waiting for their revelation that they too were made for adoption.
Much love - 