I can never really pinpoint the exact moment when a friendship perishes.
For many years I was stuck in a bubble of pomposity as I couldn't admit to myself, nor to the ones around me, that I was suffering from this ghastly fear of being abandoned. One of the hardest things in this world, for me at least, was to accept that people come and go and even the ones you're sure they will stay, will flee at some point.
In my naivety, everything had to be happily-ever-after, no matter the circumstances.
But friendships that once were flourishing, turned defective and flawed as I was fiercely trying to fix them up to no use. I couldn't really figure out why, as I was always ending up beating myself up, throwing the blame. Too blind to see when the deterioration began, too proud-spirited to acknowledge that part of it was also my fault.
For many years I was stuck in this self-made grave of pity. Unable to shift from the victimized stance, allowing the inner critical voices to dig me even deeper. I was jettisoned and it felt awful.
As I grew older, so did my perspective. I can now wholeheartedly admit that I am a masochist. The constant need to dig holes in my happiness, to paint the future black, perpetual self-inflicted wounds. These are hard pills to swallow and at times, it makes me gag.
With time, the axis has shifted and all I want right now is reconcile with the trembling waters from my own mind.
Friendships have new meanings as I am now able to communicate my feelings and thoughts in a clear way but also relate nonverbally with those that are around me. Allowing myself to accept that I can't always determine which people come into my life or how much they will stay. Who will follow and walk by my side for a while or who will stay forever no matter how the destiny unfolds.
It still is difficult for me, at times, to cancel my self-pity party. To go with the flow and allow the experience to unravel or to accept that at some point, the old and the new must connect in order for me to progress. But in all honesty, I believe I am ready.
After all, who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? :)
