I was born by mistake. Unplanned, but nonetheless a welcomed surprise. Whether it was a fluke of nature or the twisted joke of the Universe, I've yet to find out for I was born without complications, on a honey stained Tuesday morning at 9:45 am.
As I later found out, the joy of my arrival was more to my grandparents than to my parents who were still in the wooing phase of their relationship.
Both at their beginning of their careers, my father as a short distance runner and my mother, participating on the national volleyball team, they were suddenly propelled on the flip-side.
Tied to this little creature with protuberant eyes for a lifetime, being constantly flooded with requests that made them tired, anxious and discombobulate, immersing themselves in troublesome and tiresome daily tasks of kissing boo-boos, unable to handle me at full capacity. On top of that, they were stuck in a former communist country with no sign of escaping, dreaming at the pie in the sky, trying to accept my then unbearable presence. To say at least, some years were filled with bitterness and anger.
I don't blame them now. Their feelings were justified.
Statistically, the majority of people are fairly certain their parents are at the root of their psychological problems and one of the greatest challenges one may face is avoiding to throw the blame on the parents for their current problems.
Most people have a few skeletons in their cupboard for good reasons. I take my skeletons out, one by one, and deconstruct them in plain sight.
My parents will always have a real chip on their shoulder because they didn't do the things they wanted because I believe wholeheartedly they would have done things differently if I was still a speck in the Universe. That feeling of being unsatisfied was there for many years, as I felt it between the lines of confusing messages, quarrels I did not start and what if's I still can't answer.
One of my greatest challenges in life was to forgive my parents because they’re human. To see them in a different light and to start cleansing away the root of my bitterness. To give thanks for everything they have bestowed upon me until now and pray for their continuous health. To stop withholding love and affection on both sides and to start a simple conversation without biting my tongue.
In hindsight, we should have done this a long time. But that's the thing with hindsights, it's always twenty-twenty and what works for someone in that moment, may not work for the other. We cannot always click, we cannot always sync.
We will have setbacks in our life because of things we cannot control. Conflicts, unspoken words, unsettled subjects. We may or we may not find the root of some of our problems, hear the other persons point of view and some relationships may remain aloof infinitely. I do not hold the answer as I am still deconstructing this particular skeleton.
I am pushing 30 and I still didn't found the courage to stop and ask them about the story of their cracked palms..so there's that :)
Gee, that’s so darn profound. :)
