I’m not one to share my feelings of sadness as I’m going through them. It’s about keeping my head down and working through it knowing there are better days coming. I was in this state two weeks ago.
Looking back there was not a specific reason I was in a funk nor was there a specific event that triggered it. Being a working mom, wife, five months pregnant with an almost two-year-old toddler, I let my needs fall by the way side. I became overwhelmed and tired opening the way for everyday stress to appear looming and insurmountable.
These feelings of despair culminated to a day of crying and at work nonetheless. I hate crying and crying at work…that’s anathema. I’m not anti-crying and I don’t consider those who do cry weak; I just don’t like it for me. I’m thankful for my close friend at work who helped me walk through what I was feeling. I’m not ready to share those details but perhaps one day I will. What I want to share is how I moved to clarity.
There isn’t one aspect of my life that I would change…well, perhaps work could be a little less trying 😊 I love being a wife and mom. I also recognized that I will likely have these moments of overwhelm more frequently especially as we prepare to welcome another family member. I had to figure out how to acknowledge them and then move on.
A couple of days after my mini-breakdown, I was driving in a 100+oF weather after work. Normally that calls for air conditioning but I felt like having the windows open. As the heat and sun wrapped around me in the car, I decided not to go home but to drive around and run some pre-birthday errands. I didn’t use my navigation system and just went with the flow. Pandora was playing all my favorite songs and I was singing my heart out. Then I felt my baby girl dancing in my womb. I cried and cried. This time I welcomed those tears.
As overwhelmed as I was feeling with life, in that moment I felt joy and I gave myself permission to embrace it. I spoke to my baby girl through my tears about my love her, my love for her sister and my love for her father. As I spoke these words, my spirits lifted. By the time I got home, I was in a brighter mood than I had been for the past few days.
Sometimes when we’re down* we push joy away because it’s incongruent with the way we feel. I encourage you to give yourself permission to recognize and feel joy. Life’s trials won’t necessarily disappear in that instance but the journey towards better days can be made brighter when we allow ourselves to be joyful even if only for brief moments.
Kareen
*When I write about feeling down and sad, I am not referring to clinical depression which I understand is a diagnosed illness with many complicated facets.