In the past few centuries, we've idealized monogamy in religion, culture and in our own personal perception of the world. There were good reasons for the ideal of a nuclear family back when it was enforced, but as the world changes, so should accepted forms of family and relationship constellations.
You might wonder why I write of polyamory as a kind of solution in a world that's gradually becoming more individualistic and isolated. It is my belief that our perception of how romantic relationships work is flawed and out-dated. As a result, so many of us fail to maintain satisfying and wholesome relationships over time. Or develop relationships at all.
Let's (not) talk about sex, baby
If you're expecting this article to include descriptions of hot orgies and porn-like threesomes, then I am sorry to disappoint. There is really no shortage in posts and articles glorifying the sex-lives of polyamorous men and women. But that's not what polyamory is really about, at least for me.Â
It's about having an extended support network, about living more efficiently, giving freedom to yourself and those you love and generally opening yourself to possibilities you can't see, being raised in a purely monogamous culture.
But yeah. The sex is great. Let's move on.
What a threesom often looks like
Bastardized marriage
People who've recently got engaged avoid looking at the history and origins of marriage in our culture. Marriage started out as a business contract and women were often just sold to the potential husband in return for money, lands or cooperation between families. Love had nothing to do with it. And neither did monogamy. That came later, mostly with monotheistic religions.
I don't even need to tell you about the percentages of marriages ending in divorce and the prevalence of infidelity. I can tell you that most unhappy married people aren't unhappy because they're married. They're unhappy because they're married.Â
In any case, I strongly recommend you watch Adam Ruins Everything about weddings to understand just how ridiculous the whole concept is, especially in our day and age.
Listening to evolution
If we look further back in human history, before monotheistic religions, we'll find that while marriage was mostly for reproductive and business purposes it was also just a fraction of the familial web created by a union between a man and a woman. Children were raised in an extended family, not by the two parents.Â
Humans are a very social creature. As such, monogamy doesn't only take away our chance to grow as children surrounded by multiple adults to educate and inspire us, but it also hurts our relationships with other people by limiting real emotional intimacy to one individual alone. Besides, larger families are more effective in a social and economic sense, giving a natural network of support.Â
Currently, this works only with large families with many brothers and sisters. As the Western world reduces the family size to less and less kids on average, family groups become less effective in just about every aspect.
If you look at the animal world, monogamy is rare. And even then, sexual exclusivity does not mean social exclusivity. In our world it often does. A man who marries is expected to distance himself from female friends, even when some of them are close and old ones.
But what about the jealousy?!
You might be thinking: "But we're not animals! We get jealous!". It's usually the first thing people talk about when someone mentions polyamory. Jealousy.
Animals get jealous too, and there's a very simple evolutionary cause for that - we need to know that our offsprings are our own (as males) and need to ensure our mate sticks around to protect the young ones (as females). That's how it worked for cavemen, and that's how it works for us.
Today, the situation is very different. With birth-control being widely available and many relationships that are not expected to produce children, jealousy is an old trait humanity can let go of. And yet, we cling onto the ideal of fidelity and the one true love that will be all we ever need.
Life is short but infatuation is shorter
When you expect just one person to fulfill all your needs - emotional, sexual, financial and others - in most cases you'll find yourself disappointed over time. It's not always that they stop filling those needs. It's also that needs change. The sexual animal you married might lose interest, leaving you frustrated. The boring accountant you found happiness might suddenly decide to go to act hippy in the desert and come back changed.
In most cases, the initial infatuation we feel with a new relationship dies after a few years. What is usually left is habits, mutual appreciation, intimacy and love. But people change. For example, one of the reasons my relationship with my ex ended was her inability to deal with my newly discovered disability. If I didn't have additional significant others to be there for me, that breakup would have been that much more traumatic.
And it's not just "backup SOs". It's about fulfilling different needs with different people without taking away from the meaning or value of other relationships.
What the world needs to love more
The world is changing. We are changing. To keep up, we need to keep an open mind to alternative ways of life to keep our human race prosperous and to be happy ourselves.
I believe that if we look differently at romantic relationships and stop putting all our sexual, emotional and life eggs in one human basket, we'll all be happier people, better parents and more effective members of the social groups we belong to. Understanding this is the first step.
Illustrations via Pixabay